Detective Comics #40



By Francis Manapul and Brian Buccellato

Dave: Who wants candy corn!?

Dog: Must be hard to eat when you’ve got guitar picks for teeth.

Russ: Macaulay Culkin can’t catch a damn break, can he? (Excluding his front tooth, that is.)


Rat Queens #9



Written by Kurtis J. Wiebe | Art by Stjepan Sejic

Dave: If you think about it the penis is a very inefficient tool. It’s severely limited in its uses. I can only think of two off the top of my head: shovel and baby maker.

Dog: What awful spell is this, the Blue Balls of Bilthagor?

Russ: Maybe she’d have an easier time casting, oh, I dunno… while not in full-on cowgirl?

Russ’ brain: COITUS INTERRUPTUS!


God Hates Astronauts #6



Written and Art by Ryan Browne

Dave: If you “de-crab!” like this at Red Lobster they give you a free helping of cinnamon bread!

Dog: Oh sure, as soon as they give Nick Fury a horseshoe crab head in the movies, he HAS to have one in the comics, too.


Revival #28



Written by Tim Seeley | Art by Mike Norton

Dave: Ladies, don’t you hate it when they have fish breath? Or worse, whole-fish-in-mouth syndrome?

Dog: Looks like she tried to suck that guy’s dentures out. No wonder she’s puking up Poligrip.

Russ: Second weirdest thing I’ve seen happen after watching a girl swap spit with a hobo.


Dark Engine #5



Written by Ryan Burton | Art by John Bivens

Dave: Stop beating around the bush Mr Burton, “ruinous liquid” is poop. Call it what it is or get out!

Dog: It’s a little known fact that the original flood myth was written by German scat fetishists. They had to sanitize it for the mass market.

Russ: Who knew the Church of Fudge creators’ next project would be so ambitious? Dog knew.


EGOs #6



Written by Stuart Moore | Art by Gus Storms

Dave: Can’t they get a pan for that guy? He’s dripping everywhere!

Dog: Maybe the EMTs could have saved him if they took off their Red Cross bondage hoods.


’68 Jungle Jim: Guts‘N’Glory (One-Shot)



Written by Mark Kidwell | Art by Jeff Zornow

Dave: Edward Scissorhands would have been an excellent soldier in Vietnam.

Dog: So the Viet Cong were really rogue, 1920s newspaper boys? And we still lost?

Russ: “Extra! Extra! Get yer papers here! Nguyen Cao Ky’s mustache tames herd of water buffa– OH SWEEET MOTHER OF JESUS MY FACE! FUCKKKKK!”


Nailbiter/Hack/Slash (One Shot)



Written by Joshua Williamson and Tim Seeley | Art by Mike Henderson and Emilio Laiso

Dave: Never say you have an itch or the dentist will pull out one of these. I’ve seen it a thousand times!

Dog: Razorblade brushing isn’t always enough for tough bacteria build-up, so be sure to rinse with battery acid after.

Russ: Thirteen years later Williamson and Seeley capitalize on that blazing hot Dr. Giggles craze.


Crossed Badlands #73



Written by David Hine | Art by Nahuel Lopez

Dave: Josie and the pussycats got really dark in its final season.

Dog: The lion’s doctor told him it’s healthier to take the skin off before eating.

Russ: Aslan says, “Bitch! Gimme yo face, Lucy” in the gritty reboot of C.S. Lewis’ beloved high-fantasy yarn. (Must be read in Liam Neeson’s voice.)


Saga #26



Written by Brian K. Vaugn | Art by Fiona Staples

Dave: This calls for a blowjob PSA. Just think of the children who’ll lose a perfectly good resolution over this mistake!

Dog: I love to get some jagged, smoking head. It’s like watching the Paris Hilton sex tape all over again.