Darth Vader #4
written by Kieron Gillen | Art by Salvador Larroca
Dog: “And it’s detachable! Here, have a feel!”
Dave: When Marvel decided to have Darth Vader do full page monologues on the hardness of his phallus I just checked out.
John: Only the one who can bring balance to the Force will be worthy of my staff.
written by Brian K. Vaughn | Art by Fiona Staples
Dave: In the words of the devil who didn’t want to wait to be naturally born, “I ain’t got time for that!”
Dog: Looks more like he’s crawling out of a Carrot Top-inspired CPR dummy.
John: This is what happens when you procreate while listening to Bloodhound Gang lyrics. (So let’s do it like they do on the Discovery Channel.)
Deep State #5
written by Justin Jordan | Art by Arieal Kristantina
John: Must…finish…speech. The people need me to save them!
Dog: Was he assassinated by 5th dimensional dragonflies?
Dave: Wait a minute. Conspiracy much? The blade things are coming from the front but the blood is coming right at us which would mean OF COURSE…the shooter is to the right!
Nick: So you’re saying his head went back…and to the left?
written by Grant Morrison | Art by Chris Giarrusso
Dave: The nightmares of some children are happy. See!
John: The Joker’s fantasies become reality. Sorry Babs!
Nick: Well at least one of them seems to think the blind date is going well.
written by Matt Fraction | Art by Christian Ward
Dave: Why so sad Severed Head?
Nick: Maybe she was a bras salesperson…who obviously didn’t do her job.
Dog: I’m more curious about the psychedelic cyclops money-shotting itself with a strawberry Twinkie.
Legacy of Luther Strode #1
Written by Justin Jordan | Art by Tradd Moore
Dave: We told you to not look at the hole Fernando!
John: You held the key to life in your head the entire time!
Nick: Another journalism major enters the workforce!
Dave: When taking Cialis™ side effects include: Seeing a vagina made of butts, breasts and legs spill out of your lovers back.
Nick: This would actually be pretty subtle compared to most Cialis commercials.
Dog: “As I approach the endless row of pleasure before me … hey is that a two-for-one grecian urn sale? Look at that craftsmanship!”
Rat Queens #10
Written by Kurtis J. Wiebe | Art by Stjepan Sejic
Dave: If this is a common problem for him maybe it’s a bit more serious?
John: This gives new meaning to Wingardium Leviosa and Reducto!
Dog: The Fuck Wands of Hairy Pumper: My favorite teen Brit lit porn parody.
Written by Ales Kot and Art by Langdon Foss
Dave: This is where masturbatory sperm go to heaven.
Nick: In this world, The Matrix is actually Dave’s tube sock.
Dog: I don’t know, given the color similarities between those airborne spermatozoa and that kid’s hair, I think Neo’s actually been busting on his dome.
Written by Joshua Williamson | Art by Andrei Bressan
Nick: Poor guy–I bet he thinks that crown totally draws attention from his mouth condition.
Dave: Maggot Mouth was cranky without his morning Cthulhu flakes.
John: No I am the only Chosen One of Terrenos. I had my Cthulhu flakes this morning!