Darth Vader #4

written by Kieron Gillen | Art by Salvador Larroca

Dog: “And it’s detachable! Here, have a feel!”

Dave: When Marvel decided to have Darth Vader do full page monologues on the hardness of his phallus I just checked out.

John: Only the one who can bring balance to the Force will be worthy of my staff.

Saga #27

written by Brian K. Vaughn | Art by Fiona Staples

Dave: In the words of the devil who didn’t want to wait to be naturally born, “I ain’t got time for that!”

Dog: Looks more like he’s crawling out of a Carrot Top-inspired CPR dummy.

John: This is what happens when you procreate while listening to Bloodhound Gang lyrics. (So let’s do it like they do on the Discovery Channel.)

Deep State #5

written by Justin Jordan | Art by Arieal Kristantina

John: Must…finish…speech. The people need me to save them!

Dog: Was he assassinated by 5th dimensional dragonflies?

Dave: Wait a minute. Conspiracy much? The blade things are coming from the front but the blood is coming right at us which would mean OF COURSE…the shooter is to the right!

Nick: So you’re saying his head went back…and to the left?

Nameless #3

written by Grant Morrison | Art by Chris Giarrusso

Dave: The nightmares of some children are happy. See!

John: The Joker’s fantasies become reality. Sorry Babs!

Nick: Well at least one of them seems to think the blind date is going well.

ODY-C #4

written by Matt Fraction | Art by Christian Ward

Dave: Why so sad Severed Head?

Nick: Maybe she was a bras salesperson…who obviously didn’t do her job.

Dog: I’m more curious about the psychedelic cyclops money-shotting itself with a strawberry Twinkie.

Legacy of Luther Strode #1

Written by Justin Jordan | Art by Tradd Moore

Dave: We told you to not look at the hole Fernando!

John: You held the key to life in your head the entire time!

Nick: Another journalism major enters the workforce!

Dave: When taking Cialis™ side effects include: Seeing a vagina made of butts, breasts and legs spill out of your lovers back.

Nick: This would actually be pretty subtle compared to most Cialis commercials.

Dog: “As I approach the endless row of pleasure before me … hey is that a two-for-one grecian urn sale? Look at that craftsmanship!”

Rat Queens #10

Written by Kurtis J. Wiebe | Art by Stjepan Sejic

Dave: If this is a common problem for him maybe it’s a bit more serious?

John: This gives new meaning to Wingardium Leviosa and Reducto!

Dog: The F--k Wands of Hairy Pumper: My favorite teen Brit lit porn parody.

Surface #2

Written by Ales Kot and Art by Langdon Foss

Dave: This is where masturbatory sperm go to heaven.

Nick: In this world, The Matrix is actually Dave’s tube sock.

Dog: I don’t know, given the color similarities between those airborne spermatozoa and that kid’s hair, I think Neo’s actually been busting on his dome.

Birthright #6

Written by Joshua Williamson | Art by Andrei Bressan

Nick: Poor guy–I bet he thinks that crown totally draws attention from his mouth condition.

Dave: Maggot Mouth was cranky without his morning Cthulhu flakes.

John: No I am the only Chosen One of Terrenos. I had my Cthulhu flakes this morning!