The five month long Deflategate saga feels less like offseason gossip and more like a major plotline on the Road to WrestleMania. The punishment and its resulting appeal have been such a chaotic comedy of errors, it may as well be taking place inside a WWE ring.
So of course, we fantasy booked just that:
Jim Ross: Welcome everyone to NFL Deflategate! Tonight in our main event we will have Tom Brady appealing the harsh sentence handed down by Commissioner Roger Goodell, but in a twisted turn, the appeal will be heard by none other than Goodell himself!
Jerry “The King” Lawler: Something stinks here JR, and I don’t like it one bit!
::The theme of Commissioner Goodell hits the arena’s PA system. He saunters to the ring with an evil swagger and grabs a mic::
Roger Goodell: Tom Brady…
Goodell can barely get two words out before being drowned in boos and unceremonious “asshole” chants from the crowd::
Roger Goodell SHUT UP DAMMIT! Brady! You and your sham organization have embarrassed me for the last time! Get your ass out here…now!
::Tom Brady’s music hits to a standing ovation from the crowd. Dressed in his standard New England Patriots uniform and flanked by his wife and valet, Gisele, Brady has a faint, confident smirk on his face. He and Gisele slowly and deliberately march to the ring, never breaking eye contact with Goodell::
Tom Brady: Roger Goodell. After all I’ve done for you, after the millions of dollars I’ve generated for this entire company, all the eyes I’ve brought to your miserable product, this is how you repay me? By attempting to sully my good name and place an asterisk next to my accolades?
::The low roar of boos permeate the arena. A small “Brady!” chant begins::
Tom Brady: This whole saga ends tonight, Goodell. You have no evidence of any wrongdoing, and last I checked this is America—of which I am one of its finest Patriots I might add—and in the good old US of A, the greatest nation in the world…::crowd erupts in nationalistic pride::…one is innocent until proven guilty!
::”USA!” chants fill the arena. Roger Goodell surveys the crowd, visibly fuming. Goodell interrupts Brady in an angry, gravelly voice, not unlike Vince McMahon’s::
Roger Goodell: THIS MAN’S NO PATRIOT DAMMIT, HE’S A LIAR AND A CHEATER!
Tom Brady: Look, Roger. You have nothing on me. You can’t prove a damn thing. Those text messages from the so-called “deflator” mean absolutely nothing in the eyes of the law.
Roger Goodell: Well Tom, you’re not in a court of law, you’re in MY HOUSE! And in my house, justice is served MY WAY!
::The camera pans to the entrance ramp, where a group of a dozen security guards have congregated, arms folded::
Roger Goodell: Officers…arrest this man!
::The security guards begin walking toward the ring. Brady, visibly panicked, is scrambling to come up with some way out of this predicament, when suddenly…
Jim Ross: Oh my god, King! It’s Bill Belichick! It’s the man who led Brady and the Patriots to Super Bowl glory on four separate occasions!
::Bill Belichick enters the ring. He stands there, stoic, with his hands and presumably a microphone in his hoodie pockets::
Roger Goodell: Well, are you gonna say something Belichick, or are you just gonna stand there?
Bill Belichick: ::inaudible:: ::coughs:: ::clears throat:: ::inaudible::
Bill Belichick: Just gotta play the game, take it one step at a time ::suddenly snorts:: ::coughs::
Bill Belichick: We’re onto Super Bowl 50. ::snorts::
::Roger Goodell, angered beyond belief, rolls out of the ring and grabs a steel chair. He motions toward Brady with it, but is stopped by Belichick, who grabs the chair. The two have a 25 second long staredown::
Jim Ross: Thank god for Bill Belichick! He may have just saved Tom Brady’s life! Now he’s wresting the chair from Goodell’s evil grasp, and……OH MY GOD! BILL BELICHICK JUST SMACKED TOM BRADY CLEAR BETWEEN THE EYES WITH THAT STEEL CHAIR! WHAT IN THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?!
Jerry “The King” Lawler: We need some help out here!
::Suddenly, the camera pans up to the rafters where Ted Wells is standing high above the ring, holding a baseball bat and a can of spray paint with stacks of $100 bills falling out of his pockets. He descends from the rafters via a zipline, tears Brady’s uniform off his body and spray paints ‘nWo 4 LYFE’ on his exposed back. Goodell and Wells stare down Belichick. Goodell paws at Belichick’s hoodie and tears it off with one hand, revealing an nWo t-shirt. The three embrace in a hug::
Jerry “The King” Lawler: Is he the third man?!
Jim Ross: WHAT THE HELL! SON OF A BITCH! Bill Belichick has betrayed the New England Patriots, he betrayed Tom Brady, he betrayed…he betrayed all of us dammit! WHY?!
Jerry “The King” Lawler: What now, JR?!
Jim Ross: Good lord! Good lord! It’s Aaron Hernandez! I thought he was locked away in Massachusetts state penitentiary for life! How the hell—I don’t believe what I’m seeing!
::Aaron Hernandez runs down to the ring, wearing a tattered orange prison jumpsuit. He begins assaulting Tom Brady with a series of stomps, in which Belichick, Goodell and Wells join in on. All hope is presumed to be lost::
Rob Gronkowski runs down the entrance ramp at full speed wearing a “YO SOY FIESTA 3:16” shirt::
Jim Ross: Ladies and gentlemen BUSINESS HAS JUST PICKED UP!
Rob Gronkowski delivers a Stone Cold Stunner to Goodell, Wells, Hernandez and Belichick in rapid succession. He runs to Brady’s aid after delivering double middle fingers in the face of Goodell’s lifeless corpse::
Jim Ross: Rob Gronkowski has saved the day! Bah god almighty, this isn’t over!
Jerry “The King” Lawler: Look JR, Brady’s coming to!
Jim Ross: Folks in 25 years of my broadcasting career, I have never witnessed such a chaotic scene!
::Gronkowski demands a mic, and begins cutting a promo on the entire controversy::
::Rob Gronkowski motions toward the timekeeper’s area. Four beers are thrown to Gronkowski which he catches with ease. He hands two to Brady, who is slowly staggering to his feet. They smash all the beers together and guzzle them down, much to the delight of the fans. Brady pours the remains over Belichick’s unconscious body, who twitches upon making contact with the cold beer::
Jim Ross: This is far from over! I don’t know what the Corrupt Commissioner’s plans are, but Brady and Gronk are not going down without a fight! My god what a scene! What a moment! Good night everybody!