Past Aways #3

Written by Matt Kindt | Art by Scott Kolins

Dog: “Phil was into some weird s--t he didn’t want his wife to know about.”

Man vs. Rock : Worst. J-Date. Ever.

Dave: This reminds me of the ancient saying, “Playing with a man’s testicles…shame on you. Playing with a man’s intestines? Shame on me.”

John: Are you sure that is an intestine? That one guy looks like he is going to chomp down on it like it’s a hot dog!

Nick: Dude might want to have those two growths on the intestine looked at, too.

Harley Quinn and Power Girl #1

Written by Justin Gray and More | Art by Stéphane Roux

Dave: At least she didn’t Pootippian her anus.

Dog: “Slugs for eyes. Chili pepper tongue. Hippopotamus teeth carved out of gruyère. There, how do you like it, a-----e?!”

John: Well he definitely guessed wrong. It was murder, not prostitution!

Nick: That moment when a vice cop working undercover finally loses it.

Man vs. Rock: She was offended he forgot to mention her above-average sized penis.

The Auteur: Sister Bambi #2

Written by Rick Spears | Art by James Callahan with Luigi Anderson

Dave: Dietary Barbarian pills are so hot now! Side effects include: Upset stomach, tingling and “oh god no oh god all the blood no oh god!”

John: Benefits of being eaten by a giant gorilla: 1. You get an awesome blood bath 2. His DNA is somehow transferred to you and now you are a giant.

Nick: This is why Chipotle doesn’t include queso as one of its topping choices.

Man vs. Rock: Humane Society advertisements have gotten a lot bloodier these days …

The Order of the Forge #3

Written by Victor Gischler | Art by Tazio Bettin

Dave: What, pray tell, is scientific about this?

John: I think Franklin is referring to the way the blood is splashing around the eyeball in an almost spherical shape…

Dog: Reproducibility. That’s the 100th guy he’s shot in the head, and the eye pops out the same way every time.

Nick: I’m not sure how I feel about our shift from eye to intestine gore…

Man vs. Rock: And that, children, is why I’m on the one-hundred dollar bill–and you’re not.

Squadron Sinister #1

Written by Marc Guggenheim | Art by Carlos Pacheco

Dave: You could say that was a drive-by bowel movement. Eh…eh?!

Nick: Like I was saying….

Man vs. Rock: For some reason, I’m starving for a Twix right now …

Dog: And now I’m jonesing for a blazered, neatly-coiffed, turn of the millennium musical act.

Conan the Avenger #15

Written by Fred Van Lente | Art by Guiu Vilanova

Dave: The giant bullfrog hentai never quite caught on, but maybe that’s due to the tentacles being inside the mouth?

Nick: That hair is working overtime trying to keep this book from an MA rating.

Dog: Because a nipple is a protuberance too far!

Man vs. Rock: That sound you hear is the sound of about 1000 Amber Alerts going off right now. Still, the most tastefully done frog-rape I’ve ever seen …

Rick and Morty #3

Written by Zac Gorman | Art by CJ Cannon

Dog: “I could try sticking him back together with watermelon Bubble Yum instead of cotton candy.”

Dave: The Morty jigsaw puzzle never quite caught on with the little ones.

Nick: Intestine Sighting #4! Seriously Dave, do you pick a new body part theme each week?

Man vs. Rock: The first abortion scene in the history of children’s comics!

Armor Wars #2

Written by James Robinson | Art by Marcio Takara

Dave: Marvel Comics’ version of The Scream is so much more depressing.

Dog: Who knew that cracking an arc reactor was like opening the Ark of the Covenant.

Nick: First Panel: 1 Natural Lite. Second Panel: 3 Natural Lites Third Panel: 5 or more Natural Lites. Final Panel: INTESTINE GONE. Well played, Dave, well played…

Man vs. Rock: Marvel finally got Heath Ledger! … only about 8 years too late.

Legacy of Luther Strode #2

Written by Justin Jordan | Art by Tradd Moore

Dave: Mondays, amirite?

Dog: Fun fact, in Italy, Santa Claus has a beard made of angel hair pasta and a mustache of marinara sauce. And he shakes like bowlful of fasul.

Nick: …and just when I think we’re done with intestines for the week, we get a grand finale.

Man vs. Rock: Justice never tasted so … much like intestines.