Hi readers, Chris Hassan here with a confession. I did something I’m not proud of last weekend – I saw 20th Century Fox’s latest attempt at making a Fantastic Four movie. Yes, like the fearless foursome who bravely blasted off into space way back in 1961, myself and a very small number of fellow comic book fans—if the box office numbers are accurate—took a chance on director Josh Trank’s “Trank-wreck.”

Fox, your ongoing butchery of these characters is becoming too painful to bear. It shouldn’t be so hard to make a team named the Fantastic Four, well, FANTASTIC! I mean, where do I—WHAT!?

KA-BOOOOM!!!

Dr. Doom: BAH! Enough of your prattling, Hassan. It is Doom who shall finish your feeble attempt at an article.

Chris: What!? Dr. Doom!? You—You’re not a contributor to AIPT!

Dr. Doom: That is the most sensible thing you’ve said, Hassan. Nothing Doom does is in “poor taste.” Now silence, dolt, it is Doom’s time to speak.

Doom has waited patiently as the Internet reacted to Hollywood’s latest Fantastic Four film. But Doom has been silent long enough as bloggers wasted words on Fox’s portrayal of Reed Richards, or his imbecilic protector, Benjamin Grimm. In Doom’s opinion—the only opinion that counts—showing the world that foursome’s true, pathetic colors are all the filmmakers’ achieved.

The true travesty was how they portrayed Victor von Doom.

20th Century Fox and their excuse for a director introduce their Doom pretender living in squalor. Doom is a monarch. Doom would not waste away his days in a garage hacking and playing games—Doom is meant to rule.

Doom would not sully his hand by flashing an enemy “the middle finger.” Doom would merely end his enemy’s wasted existence with extreme prejudice and efficiency.

Equally infuriating is the film’s insinuation that Doom’s resentment toward Richards stems from a bond shared with Susan Storm. For Doom, jealousy is a foreign concept. Doom’s hatred for Richards is based solely on the fact that his is the inferior intellect. He is nothing more than a distraction standing in the way of a perfect world, one that only Doom has the means to create.

A final thought on this film—for giving it any further thought would be below Doom—the significance of Planet Zero, which grants the cinematic foursome their powers. The film’s imitation of Doom wishes to destroy the Earth and rule the lifeless Planet Zero. Why would Doom be the monarch of nothing? Doom rules over Latveria with a benevolent—but iron—fist. The fortunate citizens of Latveria understand how blessed they are to call Doom their leader. Would Doom truly throw away his chance to show the people of Earth—and beyond—how Doom’s rule would right the wrongs of lesser leaders?

Bah! Doom will not waste any more time on this celluloid embarrassment, or the two films that preceded it and portrayed Doom as a petty businessman who made jokes in battle.

Know this Hollywood, you have an enemy in Dr. Doom. For incurring Doom’s wrath, your punishment will be swift and severe, while serving as a lesson for all who would dare misrepresent Doom onscreen.

But Doom has already revealed too much.

Doom shall now leave you with Hassan. Surely, he has thoughts to share on a comic book he recently read, or some other pedestrian pastime unfitting of Doom’s intellect.

Chris: Mmrello?