Justice League United #12

Written by Jeff Parker | Art by Travel Foreman

Dave: Venereal disease and Lake Erie are practically the same thing at this point. Ever since it got DP’d by Canada and USA, took up heroin and moved to Hollywood to break in as an “actor.” I’ve seen it a thousand times…

Lisa: So vagina dentata is real.

Dog Looks like one of the ovaries has descended, too.

John: I remember this episode from Magic School Bus!

Man vs. Rock: So that’s where the clitoris is!

The Empty Zone #3

Written and Art by Jason Alexander

Dave: Diane wanted more tongue in their relationship. She got it and more.

Dog: How long is that f-----g thing? Was she being raped by cybernetic Gene Simmons?

Lisa: Poor Lego head didn’t know what he was getting into when Diane said she wanted it rough.

John: Oh Baby! I love it when you spew all over me.

Man vs. Rock: The title, Empty Zone, had a better ring to it than the original working title, Jared Fogle 2025: Space Pedophile.

Stray Bullets: Sunshine and Roses #7

Written and Art by David Lapham

Dave: Häagen-Dazs is really reaching with these new commercials.

John: This is a Ben & Jerry’s ad for their new flavor: Crushing Forehead!

Lisa: Maybelline’s new ice cream cone cover up. No one ever needs to know about your breakouts again.

Dog: Wait, I think you’re supposed to heat a rhino horn tumor and ice a giraffe ossicone.

Man vs. Rock: The website, human-unicorn-fetishes.edu, got 300,000 clicks from this fetish video.

Death Head #2

Written by Zack Keller, Nick Keller | Art by Joanna Estep

Dave: “And for my next trick: Circumcision,” little Johnny heard with a fright.

Dog: He looks more quizzical than afraid. Like he’s thinking, “How did that big sweeping motion not knock the lamp over?”

John: This guy has voodoo powers too! Look at how fast that head shrunk!

Lisa: Scream 7 Nevermore killed at the advanced screening.

Man vs. Rock: Trumpcare didn’t work as smoothly as the voters had hoped.

Dave: I’m literally speechless from that clouds gag.

Lisa: This is what is sounds like “when doves cry.”

John: What kind of shady Doctor doesn’t have a receptionist to take care of these nosy patients?

Man vs. Rock: Having birds fly through your chest is no excuse for unprofessionalism … dick.

Dark Horse Presents #13

Written by Alex de Campi | Art by Jerry Ordway

Dave: The origin of “that’ll do pig” was a lot darker than the preschoolers were anticipating.

Lisa: Jeez she could have just worn a blindfold.

Man vs. Rock: That’s why you don’t have premarital sex, kids.

Dog: But what girl could resist Goth Mothman’s erotic eyeball massage?

John: I guess he needs to upgrade the blackberries he currently has.

Mantle #4

Written by Ed Brisson | Art by Brian Level

Dave: The “help I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” commercials got really dark back when Saw was a thing.

Lisa: Looks like that PoliGrip held on to the very end.

Dog: But the eyeball was ejected THROUGH his glasses!

Man vs. Rock: Rob Ford cosplay is a dangerous hobby.

The Strain: The Night Eternal #12

Written by David Lapham | Art by Mike Huddleston

Dog: “Why don’t you play with them instead of that scythe-wielding maniac? We don’t know his parents.”

Dave: The “chnkk pshhh” sounds are surprisingly similar to the sound of opening a fresh Pepsi.

Lisa: No, no, it’s every – k i s s – begins with Kay.

Man vs. Rock: It wouldn’t be AIPT! if there wasn’t at least one woman decapitated or cut in half.

Rick and Morty #5

Written by Zac Gorman | Art by CJ Cannon

Dave: That’s what you get for having sex through sheets.

John: Pop goes the Guitar! Oh! and your head too…

Man vs. Rock: The Boy Scouts of America were a little concerned when Freddy showed up to the troop-leader interviews with a chainsaw, but since he was straight they let it slide.

Dog: That first kid really is a CUB Scout! Oh, what’s that Freddy? You’ve come to disembowel for that joke? You’re right, I probably deserve it. Let me just move the lamp first.

Action Comics #43

Written by Greg Pak | Art by Aaron Kuder

Dave: When you don’t moisturize we all lose.

John: Asking Superman how he knows?!? What kind of amateur cop does that? Doesn’t he know Superman’s got the X-Ray vision!

Dog: No good against the lead foundation he’s wearing. The heavy metal poisoning’s worth the disguise and that glistening complexion!

Man vs. Rock: What usually happens to guys’ faces after they’re busted using AshleyMadison.com …

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