Dear Mr. Stark,

No, “Mr. Stark” is too formal. This is serious. We need to talk, man-to-Iron Man.

Tony – Listen,

It’s Chris Hassan, from AIPT! (I’m not shouting, there’s an exclamation point in the website’s logo). I’m a big fan – love the armor. I’ve even dressed up as Iron Man on two different Halloweens. Here’s a picture:

Now that the pleasantries are out of the way, I can tell you what I’m not a fan of – you going after Mary Jane Watson, Peter Parker’s ex-girlfriend.

Oh sorry, I should remind you of who Peter Parker is. He’s the guy you mentored right before that whole “Civil War” mess you and Captain America caused. Maybe you’re more familiar with Mr. Parker’s other name: Spider-Man. I also dressed like him one Halloween. Here’s a picture:

So MJ is set to join your supporting cast in some unspecified role, possibly as an employee of yours. Wonderful, everyone deserves a good job. But that’s where your relationship with MJ needs to begin and end. Just business – no funny business.

I know you, Stark. Everyone knows of your reputation as a womanizer. How many women in the superhero community alone have you hooked up with? You were only a member of the Guardians of the Galaxy for a few months and you wasted no time hopping into bed with Gamora.

Look, what you do behind closed doors is your business, but MJ shouldn’t be behind those closed doors alone with you.

Why? Because she’s Peter Parker’s ex, man! They’ve shared a whole life together, and you’re not aware of this because it was magically wiped from your mind, but they were even married! If the history between these two has taught us anything, it’s that they’re destined to get back together. Why would you want to insert your ego in the middle of all that drama?

Also, think of what you getting together with MJ would do to Peter. In a universe filled with overly emotional heroes, Spider-Man has got to be the most emo of them all. We’re talking about a guy whose entire superhero existence is built on guilt over not preventing the death of his beloved Uncle Ben. On top of that, Gwen Stacy, his first true love, was killed because the Green Goblin found out his secret identity. The point is, the dude’s had a rough life.

Oh yeah, and we’ve seen what a full-blown emo Peter Parker looks like. Please don’t make us see it again.

I mean, Peter’s probably still trying to get over the fact that Doctor Octopus hijacked his body and tried to romance MJ while in there. Do you really want him out there swinging through the air, thinking about what you and MJ could be up to?

Also, you’re both Avengers. Can you imagine how awkward working together would be if MJ was your girlfriend?

Again, Tony, you’re an Avenger. Be better than this. Find a woman who wasn’t involved with Spider-Man. Like, oh I don’t know, Pepper Potts. She also has red hair and works for you. Additional fun fact: Spider-Man was never in love with her!

I know you’re a busy guy, Tony, so I’ll wrap this up. Funny, see how I’m respecting you right now? Hopefully you’ll show the same respect to Peter Parker by not pursuing MJ.

Best,
Chris

PS – Iron Man 2 sucked.

  • Paste Pot Pete

    They already defiled Gwen by making her Green Goblin’s lover. I could see them doing the same to Peter with Mary Jane and Tony Stark. What Peter should do is go after Pepper instead of sulking.

  • Kingslayer1225

    Nice.

  • Amy Westerbank

    That’d be funny if deadpool appeared in the comic as Tony closed the door with MJW and said to the 4th wall “My man Tony is doing this to spite you ya know”