Detective Comics #45
Written by Peter J. Tomasi | Art by Marcio Takara
Dave: That’s not how water works!
Dog: And again, not how optic nerves work. Were they attached to the backs of their throats?
Jordan: Let’s all just agree and say this scenes fails at science.
Man vs. Rock: Bet you “geniuses” also believe in global warming and evolution … #readabook #theearthis6000yearsold #gamergate
Written by Keenan Marshall Keller | Art by Tom Neely
Dave: Sadly Karl always cut the heads off with his hand by accident.
Dog: “Ape not kill ape … unless ape take last jelly donut and leave ape with apple cruller.”
Man vs. Rock: Haven’t seen a dude rock a Nazi helmet and cowboy boots since my last Kid Rock concert … three days ago.
Jordan: So the monkey stabs the other monkey in the neck and somehow the victim monkey’s head just shoots off into the air with the spine attached? Physics are for squares when you are monkey with sword apparently.
Dave: The gurgle is another attempt from Listerine to get in a not so subtle ad.
Dog: The eyes are left! The eyes are indestructible!
Man vs. Rock: It’s “I hope you felt that really well, a-----e.” Who edits this things?
Jordan: And not a single drop of blood on that motorbike. I wonder what kind of polish this guy uses?
Paper Girls #1
Written by Brian K. Vaughan | Art by Brian K. Vaughan
Dave: Preschool is hard in Japan.
Dog: Do you think the guy at the piercing kiosk sterilizes his finger after each use?
Man vs. Rock: You gotta teach them young, or else they’ll end up in a gang or Arizona State or something.
Jordan: Sir, that’s not how you properly pop a pimple.
Written by Joshua Williamson| Art by Mike Henderson
Dave: Coming in 2016: Nailbiter 2: Now I Want the Hands.
Dog: What’s going on here? Looks like zombie guy sneezed into a bowl of gravy.
Man vs. Rock: That’s why you take your zombies to obedience school when they’re little …. so they learn to stop nipping.
Jordan: Got to love that facial expression. Just midly surprised the demon thing bite off her hands.
Written by Dennis Hopeless | Art by Javier Garron
Lisa: Bitches be cray when you forget their name.
Dave: Just because you don’t have nipples doesn’t mean you should flap your funbags around town!
Dog: I don’t need to see a naked Russian in bondage gear telling her brother how “easy” he is.
Man vs. Rock: Are those horns real?
John: Yes! Yes! Spill your juices all over me!
Rick and Morty #6
Written by Zac Gorman | Art by Andrew MacLean
Dave: Some party favors just fall apart.
John: This is why you don’t work for the USPS.
Dog: Sadly, his doctor also said his “tower of power” is “funky like a monkey.” It’s a serious condition.
Man vs. Rock: Straight Outta Roid-Rage!
Written by Justin Jordan | Art by Kyle Strahm
Dave: Some kids like to play with their food.
Lisa: Santa doesn’t like it when the toys are late.
John: When did they start making life-size Play-Doh dolls?
Dog: Coroner’s gonna be real confused by his deflated-volleyball head.
Man vs. Rock: The new hardcore, Louie Anderson: Bigger, stronger, funnier!
Written by Steve Niles | Art by Christopher Mitten
Dog: What is this, Dave, Russian fetish week?
Dave: Once again they all thought Fred was a fresh spaghetti.
Lisa: If only my vacuum had that suction power. Is he wearing a Roomba for a helmet?
Man vs. Rock: Guns don’t kill people, zombie ghosts with supernatural powers kill people.
Savage Dragon #207
Written and drawn by Erik Larsen
Dog: Midget burn victim humiliation is really more of an Australian fetish ….
Dave: Never question a baby Hellboy lookalike in the sack.
John: Who knew Jesus was really a little devil?
Man vs. Rock: This is what the Christian conservatives warned us would happen …
Lisa: Jeez, couldn’t they get a better stunt double for Peter Dinklage.
American Vampire: Second Cycle #10
Written by Scott Snyder | Art by Rafael Albuquerque
Dave: I need to get my nails done where she goes.
Lisa: Casual conversation and decapitation. Ahhh a perfect Saturday.
Dog: A pretty typical date night in Florida.
John: The tongue can’t be that long; it doesn’t even make it on the page!
Man vs. Rock: With those hands, she had only two choices: Open a Thai massage parlor, or become a killer vampire hunter.
Colder Toss the Bones #1
Written by Paul Tobin | Art by Juan Ferreyra
Dave: At least Bernet and Cledus had a clean break.
Lisa: Johnny wished he had listened more closely about how to prevent bed bugs.
Dog: Side effects of the new female viagra include vagina eyes, pubic hair enamel and involuntary GLOMPing.
Man vs. Rock: These writers really understand what three years of marriage is like!
John: Talk about watching what you eat!
Jordan: Evolution confuses me. How do all of those eyeballs on the inside of this creature’s mouth benefit more than eyes on the top of its head? Explain to me scientists!