What If? Infinity: Guardians of the Galaxy #1
Written by Joshua Williamson | Art by Jason Copland
Dog: The All-New, All-Different Iron Man is Brodie from Mallrats?
Dave: Seriously though with her invisibility powers and his elasticity they could hit the exact spot and see everythi…okay sorry I’ll stop.
Patrick H: Weird…I thought when Deadpool spoke in a comic, his word balloons were yellow?
Man vs. Rock: Really misogynistic of Iron Man to assume that women like large penises. They’re going to hear all about this at my next meninist meeting.
Fistful of Blood #1
Written by Kevin Eastman | Art by Simon Bisley and Eastman
Dave: “Ow,” seems like an understatement. Especially with no mouth to say it!
Lisa: Vapor head and esophageal hole are quite the conversationalists.
Patrick H: Is that a fishnet bra? Can someone send me this one to….review?
Dog: The Ventilated Cowboy here reminds me of Seth MacFarlane’s character in A Million Ways to Die in the West. Shoot him again.
Patrick H: So, yeah – about that review copy?
Dave: I already reviewed it Pat!
Man vs. Rock: And that lovable prostitute grew up to be … Charlton Heston.
Written by Joe Keatinge | Art by Leila Del
Lisa: “Do you want pickles on that?” Never take the office lunch order on an empty stomach.
Dave: The badger robot asks questions second and shunks first.
Dog: Guy’s patella was actually a strawberry Starburst.
Patrick H: The Wolverine reboot looks weird.
Man vs. Rock: King of the jungle my ass …can’t even use an AR-15 properly.
Written by Kel Symons | Art by Nathan Stockman
Dave: HBO finally made the Ninja Turtles relevant but Michelangelo really needs to chill out and get a slice I think.
Man vs. Rock: The Ninja Turtles were just one big, violent street gang that took jobs away from hard-working American street gangs like the Crips and Latin Kings. When Lincoln Chaffee is President, I hope he builds a wall to keep those damn turtles out.
Dog: Nah, they’re much better fighters after coming back from K’un-Lun.
Patrick H: As a kid, the Luke Skywalker “loses a hand” thing landed pretty heavy on my tiny brain – but jesus, can someone lose a leg occasionally?
Empty Zone #5
Written and art by Jason Shawn Alexander
Dave: I’m starting to think hiring David Lynch to film those abstinence only videos served their purpose.
Dog: Oh God, here comes the Cyclops/Tigra fanfic ….
Patrick H: That’s totally the mutant power I’d end up with. “Prehensile Beard”
Man vs. Rock: He specifically said he didn’t want to f--k you! No means no, even if you’re a giant, mutant bobcat.
Death Head #4
Written by Zack Keller, Nick Keller | Art by Joanna Estep
Dave: Fernando was just lucky he had a bottom jaw to look semi normal after his baptism.
Lisa: Angry Birds’ new level is a bit dark for my taste.
Patrick H: He killed him….WITH MINNNNNND BULLLLETS. *guitar solo*
Dog: “Hi, I’m here for the clandestine Eyes Wide Shut orgy HOLY S--T WHAT THE F--K JUST HAPPENED”
Man vs. Rock: I can think of worse things priests have done to people who came to them in need …
Written by James Tynion IV | Art by Eryk Donovan
Dave: The Game of Thrones porno really went all out with the set design.
Lisa: This wasn’t what Sally expected when she showed up for cheerleader tryouts.
Patrick H: Frat parties are NOT the same as when I was in college.
Dog: No, that’s about how I remember it. More chicks here, though.
Patrick H: I count…two…so yeah, that’s pretty close.