Written by Gerry Conway | Art by Mike Perkins
Dave: Some people just hate hugs.
Man vs. Rock: Due to support from the powerful lunch-lady lobby, recent polls indicate that Carnage is now a landslide frontrunner in the GOP primaries.
Dog: “Whaddya mean, 18% gratuity automatically added?!”
Lisa: Uh oh! Looks like they ran out of mac and cheese.
Written by Phil Hester | Art by John McCrea
Dave: But isn’t that his right buttock?
Man vs. Rock: It’s only his right buttock if you have your face planted between his butt cheeks.
Dog: It’s okay, doctors don’t recommend you regularly check your ass out until age 45.
Lisa: Kindergarten teachers sure are kinky in their private lives. “Pee pee”, please.
Harrow County #7
Written by Cullen Bunn | Art by Tyler Crook
Dave: She’s one “R” away from horror to hilarious.
Dog: She’s found the secret recipe for Sasquatch soup.
Lisa: I want my baby back, bay back, baaby baaack ribs!.
Man vs. Rock: Spend one lousy night with Jared Fogle, and this is what you turn into.
God is Dead #44
Written by Mike Costa | Art by Juan Frigeri
Dave: This is me after boot camp class. Still trying to get the ligaments out of my teeth.
Man vs. Rock: If you had just listened to the Dog Whisperer’s advice, none of this would have ever happened.
Dog: Do what now? I can barely hear you.
Lisa: Who are you kidding dave? This is WHY we need boot camp!
Written by Joshua Williamson | Art by Andrei Bressan
Dog: No wonder vampires need blood; it looks like their circulatory systems just pump chlorophyll around.
Dave: Couples therapy is hardest when the kid is involved.
Man vs. Rock: The SPCA’s new practice of euthanizing dogs by slicing their head open while laying on a child has been met with some controversy in some cities.
Lisa: Wow, the MSPCA sure has changed their methods.
Written by Quentin Tarantino, Matt Wagner | Art by Esteve Polls
Dog: Oh, and that horse was one day away from being put out to stud!
Dave: Tub-O-Guts became a fantastically successful spin off series.
Lisa: And another butter substitute is born. Try Tub-O-Guts.
Man vs. Rock: Kill something when it’s tired. That’s sound logic. Can you babysit my neighbor’s crying baby sometime?
Red Sonja Conan #4
Written by Victor Gischler | Art by Roberto Castro
Dog: Huh, I guess the old “swallowed watermelon seed” myth was true after all.
Man vs. Rock: Porn tryouts are getting weirder and weirder…
Dave: Tentacle prickers are really hot right now in the hentai scene.
Lisa: And you thought Pinnochio had it rough.
Alice Cooper vs Chaos! #3
Written by Tim Seeley, Jim Terry | Art by Jim Terry
Dave: And that was the day bobble heads were invented.
Dog: I think you can have had punched off the heads off from of plenty of more clowns! Use the power of prepositions!
Lisa: Clowns are creepy. Enough said.
Man vs. Rock: If I had a nickel for every time I punched a clown’s head off… I’d have one nickel.
’68 Last Rights #3
Written by Mark Kidwell | Art by Jeff Zornow
Man vs. Rock: Introducing New Extra Strength Excedrin: the ultimate solution for when that headache won’t go away!
Dave: Eye am not a crook!
Dog: Political debate moderators need to stop asking stupid questions. No one cares if Ben Carson would go back in time to kill Richard Nixon.
Red Sonja Vol. 3 TP
Written by Gail Simone | Art by Walter Geovani
Dave: Gah! The douche product placement is showing up everywhere.
Man vs. Rock: … and they also slip in an ad for their tampons in the last panel!
Dog: A different kind of sword swallowing. Oh, you meant the other thing.