There’s an old saying among true comics fans that, if you want to see a good superhero movie made, give it to Fox. Indeed, Fox Studios is responsible for masterpieces such as X-Men: the Last Stand, Wolverine Goes to Japan, and the latest Fantastic Four.
The newest entry in the Fox movie catalog, Deadpool, opens in theaters everywhere today. For those of you unfamiliar with the character because you went out and did something with your life, Deadpool is basically Marvel Comics’ version of Poochie the dog — a JCVD-like ninja badass with the comedy chops of Carlos Mencia and the dramatic flair of Taylor Lautner, all rolled into one.
A lot has been made of the fact that Deadpool is rated R. And we here at Man vs. Rock fully support that move. Unfortunately, however, when we watched Deadpool, it struck us as a little tame. Take for example this exclusive clip, which we obtained by blackmailing Ryan Reynolds with photos of him forging this year’s Oscar nominations:
Color me … a little disappointed. Three people are shot in the head, and this is supposed to be a big deal to the generation that saw O.J. murder twice? In Lion King, thousands of wildebeests stampeded over all of Africa, killing Simba’s dad in the process. In Mulan, a cross-dressing warrior literally destroyed thousands of Mongolian families. And Aladdin basically used slave labor as a convenient way to get laid by a slutty princess. All of those movies were rated G, and are frankly lot more shocking than Deadpool shooting three folks dressed as Jehovah’s Witnesses. Based on this alone, Deadpool’s “R” rating is really undeserved – it’s for children ages 3 to 7 at best.
But you’ll probably say to me, “how about Deadpool’s advertising? It’s pretty racy!” Well, lets look at one of the more “controversial” ads from Deadpool thus far:
Well look at that – a poster that says “ass!” That’s cute. But, at a time when Hannah Montana is out there snorting 8-balls and giving rim-jobs to the entire San Francisco 49ers defense, is a poster that says “ass” really worth an R-rating? Call us old-fashioned, but we think not.
So you might finally ask, “how, Man vs. Rock, can Deadpool earn an R-rating?” Well, the answer is simple, and I can’t believe no overpaid executive at Marvel or Fox has thought of it — full penetration. You see, superhero movies have pretty much jumped the shark — we’ve seen just about everything there is to see from them. That is, except for one thing — Ryan Reynolds plowing Morena Baccarin with the force of 1000 Stan Lees. Once that happens, I’ll be the first in the theater to shed a tear, stand up, and applaud. But until that day comes, Deadpool simply isn’t R-rated enough for my traditional tastes, and I’ll take a pass on it.
How much should it make: With an undeserved R-rating and no full frontal nudity to speak of, Deadpool is sure to disappoint at the box office, unlike its predecessor, the Fantastic Four. In other words, Deadpool will make less than his weekly herpes medication.
Comic deep thoughts of the week:
1. DC recently announced that Frank Miller’s Dark Knight III: the Master Race, is delayed yet again until March. The last time someone took this long to create a master race, the entire world went to war. Instead of appeasing Miller, DC needs to learn from history and demand reparations from Miller until it’s finished.
2. Rob Liefeld got into some trouble this week for referring to Deadpool co-creator, Fabian Nicieza, as a “janitor” in an interview with the New York Times. Nicieza didn’t know, however, that Liefeld actually meant it as a huge compliment, as there’s no way Liefeld would have had time to create Deadpool if Nicieza hadn’t unclogged Marvel’s toilets from all the chimichangas eaten by Axel Alonso in one sitting.
3. Comic book hero Cam Newton lost the Superbowl last week by an approximate score of 522-3. When asked about his bland, uninspired play, he explained he was merely “trying to be more like New 52 Superman.”