“The greatest trick the devil ever played was convincing the world that Oscar Isaac can act” – Prince

After an uneven beginning to the superhero film season, X-Men: Apocalypse comes out in theaters today. Will Apocalypse thrill Marthas everywhere like Batman v. Superman, or will it make fans yearn for a simpler time when property rights were respected, like Civil War?

The answer, like Michael Bay films, isn’t black or white. It’s grey. Jean Grey that is. And for every one of X-Men: Apocalypse‘s pluses, there’s a distinct minus as well. To wit:

So all-in-all, not bad, right? WRONG! By far, the biggest problem with Apocalypse is that it completely ignores its Christian roots from the Book of Revelation. People forget this, but Jesus was the first superhero, and his disciples were the original Superfriends. So when I see a movie about the Apocalypse, I expect to see the real Beast, not some nerd named Henry McCoy. Like most people that just want to Make America Great Again, I’m furious at X-Men: Apocalypse‘s War on Religion, and can only hope that things are different when Tim Tebow becomes President.

The other big issue with Apocalypse is obvious – the terrible acting of Oscar Isaac. Before his career-killer portraying Apocalypse, Isaac was best known for harboring criminal fugitives and getting captured in the disappointing Star Wars: The Force Awakens. Being an open-minded guy, I decided to give Isaac another shot despite the Star Wars debacle. Unfortunately, his stiff delivery just shows that maybe Abraham sacrificing Isaac wouldn’t have been the worst thing after all.

How Much Should It Make?

Despite a diverse cast of white men and some original ideas like having a villain from the Middle East, X-Men: Apocalypse suffers greatly by not following its Biblical source material, as well as another putrid performance by Oscar Isaac.

My verdict: X-Men: Apocalypse should make barely enough to hack nudes from Jennifer Lawrence’s phone.

​Addendum: Captain America Youth

Marvel shocked fans this week by revealing that Captain America has been a Nazi all along. Well most fans, that is. No one has given AiPT! any credit for this yet, but AiPT! had the exclusive scoop about Nazi Captain America almost two years in its Age of Ultron review. An excerpt:

Also, just think of how great an Avengers Shymalan twist would be! Can you imagine the look on audiences’ faces when it turns out that Captain America (played by blonde haired, blue eyed Chris Evans) was really a Nazi the whole time! That’s movie magic, and Marvel would be foolish to let Oscar gold like that slip through its fingers.

And they say journalism is dead …