LAVENDER PALMS HOSPITAL, FLORIDA — Louis Wormser thought he was going on a routine Chili Cheese Fritos run to his local convenience store when, through the lens of his Pokemon Go application, he spotted something levitating above the Saint Edward’s church steeple: a bipedal, humanoid creature with feline features and a purple tail.
“At first I thought I was hallucinating,” says the thirty-two year old Chuck E. Cheese’s mascot, voice muted through the tiny rectangular mouth-hole of his head cast. “I know you can’t see my face right now, but I’m grinning like a damn fool. I just want to dance and shout from the rooftops: ‘I caught a freaking Mewtwo!’” A nurse rushes to his near-mummified side and gives him a stern reminder not to move or his vital organs will fail.
“All I’d been finding all day were shitty Nidoran and Rattatas. This was definitely a sign, though. Sure, I’m a staunch atheist — I hadn’t set foot near St. Edward’s in years… but what I saw that night quickly made me a spiritual man again. How could it not? A freaking Mewtwo staring me smack dab in the face with his arms cruciform like some ethereal messenger sent down from the celestial kingdom above? The God of Pokemon himself? No, not Arceus — but the uber who any Pokemon owner worth a damn knows is incontrovertibly the best Pokemon ever.” He lets out a raspy groan. “It’s about time Louis Wormser caught a break.’”
Wormser would soon learn that the legendary Pokemon was not the only break he’d catch that night. Upon spotting the Mewtwo he “left his car stalled out in a nearby ditch” and after a “quick jaunt through the chapel garden” began to ascend the western side of Saint Edward’s church armed only with his wits, his iPhone 6s and Pokemon Go application.
When he made it to the top with “a quickness that would have surprised my dietary physician and that personal trainer who called me ‘the most unathletic, reprehensible sack of shit he’d seen in fifteen years’” however, Wormser faced a dilemma.
“I had to swipe my phone like a boss, make sure to deliver the best Pokeball throw possible. I misjudged my ability to reestablish a grip on the church steeple and, well. It was a stupid mistake, I know.”
Wormser fell 55 feet from the apex of the church steeple and shattered nearly every bone in his body. He was taken to the Lavender Palms Hospital where he has undergone twelve operations to treat his shattered ankles, pelvis, arms, head… [Editor: Let’s just say pretty much every once functioning bone in his body, for brevity’s sake.] Doctors claim his first words upon reawakening from his week long coma were, “Did I catch him? Did I catch the beautiful, Psystrike slinging son of a bitch?”
When asked if the risk was worth it, Wormser replies with indignation. “Are you kidding me? Do you know what I’m the proud owner of right now? I may never again be able to walk, know the touch of a woman rear a child or eat solid foods again — but at the end of the day I can still say that I caught a Mewtwo. And that my friend, debilitating injuries or not, is a life worth having lived.”