Last night’s Raw was great. John Cena was genuinely fun to watch. The Zayn/Cesaro vs. Owens/Jericho match was a hoot. Heck, seeing Mick Foley and Daniel Bryan for a prolonged period of time didn’t feel forced. For a while, life was good.
Unfortunately, all good things cease to be, and the main event featuring Seth Rollins and Dean Ambrose competing for the latter’s title took up the last 30+ minutes of the broadcast. At first, it was an excellent match, filled with risk-taking spots, sweet counters, and even sweeter storytelling.
Until it wasn’t. Both men pinned each other, fought to a draw, and Seth Rollins somehow inexplicably “won,” according to authority figure Stephanie McMahon. That’s when the show cut to black.
Eventually, this result was nullified on an unannounced five-minute broadcast on the WWE Network, and Dean Ambrose still remains the champion. While I was able to catch this strange epilogue after reading a friend’s tweet, most people remained blissfully unaware of the outcome and were left in the dark.
That’s why I’m proposing these ten very different endings to last night’s Raw broadcast. After all, if you’re watching a three-hour-long show and it has no concrete ending, you would feel cheated, right? Well, these alternate endings would guarantee a concise, proper sign-off without any wacky, Vince Russo-like shenanigans. Take a look:
- Every wrestler, official, commentator, and WWE personality walk backstage. The entire roster comes out to “Memory” from Cats and takes a bow to the audience’s rapturous applause.
- The show cuts off before the two men land on the mat from their high-risk spot and fades to black. Credits roll over the screen with absolutely no sound.
- A GTV broadcast interrupts the match and shows Alex Riley manipulating Roman Reigns’ wellness test results.
- The entire roster hits the ring to break up the fight between the two men, because that seems to happen a lot.
- The entire roster hits the ring and a fight breaks out amongst them, because that seems to happen a lot, too. Also, someone has to do a high-flying move that knocks everyone down.
- The match actually ends with a clean finish and someone is declared the victor.
- The match ends in a disqualification after one of the four authority figures, who all apparently have a vested interest in the match, decides to intervene.
- Seth Rollins loses, walks up the ramp in a calm, collective manner, and escapes into his dressing room. Once he closes the door, he walks to his private bathroom and looks into the mirror, only to reveal the face of Roman Reigns on the other side. He then smashes his head into the mirror while laughing maniacally and screaming “How’s Steph?”
- Seth Rollins and Dean Ambrose realize the strange rules they’re competing under and the conditions that see them continuously fighting each other do not matter in life, for we are all going to die one day and the match will mean nothing in the grand scheme of things. They both say to hell with wrestling, leave the ring, and are later found in group therapy talking about their problems with anger and work.
- A buzzer goes off, the two competitors pat each other on the back, and casually walk to the locker room together while having what appears to be a friendly conversation.
Tonight marks the first live SmackDown broadcast, and with it comes a rematch from last night between the same wrestlers for the same prize. If WWE producers are stuck for a way to end tonight’s show and don’t mind scrambling for script changes at the last minute, they know who to call.