Welcome to the second edition of the THURSDAY THUNDERDOME, the newest, edgiest and least trusted source in all of comics. If you’re not prepared for the most extreme hot takes this side of Harrison Ford’s latest fiery plane crash, then pawn your laptop off right now and use the money to buy some much needed testicular fortitude (or at least a bottle of Fireball at the liquor store).
Let’s begin with possibly the most troubling issue facing the United States right now.
I. The Misappropriation of Nerd Culture
Since January, it seems like the world has been going to s--t. And at least half of the country won’t even admit it for some reason. But after the events of the past week, I will stand quiet no longer.
During last Sunday’s Grammy Awards, which is kind of like the Super Bowl if you’re a Third Eye Blind fan, dozens of A-list musicians showed up to brag about getting pregnant and protest America’s new immigration policies (side note: a record 62 percent of Grammy awards went to non-American musicians this year. Coincidence?). Among all the glitz and glamour. though, only one man did his best to keep a low profile and preserve the dignity of the Grammy Awards:
Cee Lo. F-----g. Green.
Of course, Cee Lo didn’t need a Grammy to be secure in his position as the most respected living artist today (unless you count Paul McCartney, who really died in 1966 #StayWoke). But what does Cee Lo get for his understated, respectful demeanor? These vicious tweets calling Cee Lo a NERD:
— The FADER (@thefader) February 13, 2017
— Cole_World (@Jordan_queen7) February 13, 2017
Back in the good ole days when gas was $4.50 per gallon and O.J. Simpson was still looking for the real killer, being a nerd meant something. It was a badge of honor earned by the size of your POG collection and how many walking Amber Alerts you were able to fend off at your local comic shop to buy the next issue of Uncanny X-Men. Now, it appears that all you need to do is wear a fancy outfit and you somehow get to be a “nerd.” That’s cultural misappropriation at its worst, and it needs to stop right now! If this keeps up, I worry that one day, comic conventions will be filled with people wearing stupid, overpriced costumes pretending to be nerds.
“But how do I know whether I’m a nerd,” you ask? Well, it’s good thing I’m here. To help people in figuring out whether they are a nerd (and thus allowed to use the “n-word”), check out the following chart I made in between smoke breaks during my job at Chuck E Cheese.
See it’s not so hard. Now go forth my fellow Galactica-loving nerds, and stop this injustice!
II. Ask Buck!
In the segment Ask Buck Stone!, regular unemployed readers like yourself can ask me any stupid question from the comfort of your stepdad’s basement. Last time, Buck answered what his State of the Union speech would be. This week, we have an even bigger question from the City of Dreams – Poway, California.
“Buck, how do you stay woke?” – Tommie C, Poway, California.
If you want to ask Buck Stone a question, e-mail email@example.com and he’ll answer it!
III. Out Like Flynn: The Only Un-Fake Reporter You Can Trust
Well folks, it seems that the #fakenews media is at it yet again. Just when we were all getting ready for sanctions on Russian mail-order brides to finally be lifted, some jealous trolls cooked up a scandal that forced pizzeria-hating National Security Advisor Michael Flynn to resign.
But have no fear my loyal patriots! I was able to use my contacts from AiPT!’s weekly sewer orgy to get my hands on some top-secret, classified information. And it goes without saying that President Trump is recruiting yuuuge top level talent to fill Flynn’s vacancy:
With this type of rigorous vetting, our national security will be tighter than the holy virgin Lady Gaga.
IV. Three Things We Can All Agree On.
1. The Great Wall, starring human mannequin Matt Damon opens this weekend. Funny, it’s alright when Will Hunting fights to defend a large wall around a nation’s border, but it’s racist when Donald Trump does it? Really makes you think …
2. Without warning, Action Lab Entertainment stealthily canceled its new series, Cougar and Cub after just a single issue. My glass half-full take: By lasting one issue, Cougar and Cub is Action Lab’s most successful hit in years …
3. Mel Gibson is rumored to direct the new Suicide Squad movie, tentatively titled Passion of the Harley. I have to wonder what the studio heads are thinking. The Joker is supposed to be violent, intoxicated and occasionally racist. What could he possibly learn from Mel Gibson?
V. Comic Fan of the Week
You were robbed at the Grammy’s, Katy!