Hello! AiPT!’s Feature Editor Chris Hassan here with great news! Coal jobs are coming back! Hurray! Yes, in late March, President Donald Trump took executive action to do away with all of President Barack Obama’s pesky climate change efforts so the coal industry can return to all its cough-inducing glory.

Never mind the fact that The New York Times reported the very jobs Trump promised to bring back no longer exist (LOL).

But all this activity in coal country (and by coal country, I guess I mean the entirety of the U.S. now) has me wondering – is climate change even real? I mean, the president has every American’s best interest at heart, right? He wouldn’t put our lives and our future children’s lives at risk by contaminating the life-sustaining air we breathe, right? Organizations like NASA and the EPA have to be pulling our leg with their climate change websites, right?

If you’re not sure what to think, you’re in luck, as I happen to know two actual scientists – Ryan and Dave – who may be able to help clear the coal-filled air. Take it–COUGH, COUGH–away, guys!Ryan: Thanks, Chris. Calling into question the conclusion of every legitimate scientific opinion in this area isn’t that big a deal. People do it all the time! For instance, I don’t truly believe that people actually have internal organs–after all, I’ve never seen them. I think that there’s just a bunch of red stuff in there and then magically you digest food and your blood pumps around. Where does it pump? Damned if I know. None of my business. Same deal with the weather.

Dave, you strike me as a gentleman who might have his own stores of coal somewhere, just in case. How much coal should someone maintain in case of emergency?

Dave: Ryan, my grandpappy mined coal literally from the day he was born until the day he died of what the doctors refer to as “Prius lung,” brought about by overexposure to dioxygen. I was taught that a coal reserve is critical to a successful household. What most folks don’t know is that they probably live in a house with walls that are made out of coal! If you have a two- or three-prong outlet that makes the lights go on, those outlets are actually tapped directly into the coal veins in the walls that generate the power.The biggest complaint I commonly hear against coal is that it only provides power for incandescent light bulbs. As I keep telling people, that is not true–you can buy a converter that changes the power flavor so that your favorite televisions and AM radios can run without the hand crank as well.

What appliances would you like to see supported by Coal Watts in the future, Ryan?

Ryan: I’d like to see the vape industry get into coal, Dave. What did previous generations associate with obnoxious smoke generation? Coal. And what does the current one? Vapes. Let’s get some synergy here and start making coal-powered vape rigs. These things keep exploding on planes and setting themselves on fire when no one is using them–let’s offer a safer alternative: a coal-fired vape that only explodes when you want it to. We can create a better power source. You put some coal in, and some vape juice, and you’re good.

I don’t know how or why these devices are everywhere, nor do I know why people aren’t embarrassed about using them in public–all I know is that coal should be involved. I think we should tie our dying obsession with coal to our dying obsession with nicotine.

Dave, which vape flavors have you wafted into behind someone on a sidewalk recently, and what do they have to do with science?Dave: Ryan, whenever I see a brah with the flat-rim hat and the large-print T-shirt, I immediately get right up in his personal space and take a huge whiff, because I know he’s cooking up something good. Here’s my ordered list of favorite flavors that I’ve whiffed up recently:

  • Cough Drop Passion
  • Vermillion Dumpster Fire
  • Just Straight Up Obvious Weed
  • Donkey Kong Rolling Around in Lilacs and Patchouli
  • An Apple That Smokes Two Packs A Day
  • Yesterbeer
  • Axe Body Spray

As we wrap up this article, let’s all of us take a moment to throw our trash in the proper receptacles, gather our belongings, and look around for the nearest emergency exits. In my case, that’s Mars.

Do you know your nearest emergency planet, Ryan?

Ryan: I sometimes wonder if planetary scientists have been cooking up a tissue of lies about the supposedly inhospitable conditions of Venus just to keep people away. Is the surface of Venus hundreds of degrees with an unbreathable, highly pressurized, atmosphere consisting of carbon dioxide and sulfuric acid clouds? Or is it basically an Earth-like planet that became so advanced and so mellow that it now exists in a perpetual self-sustaining vape cloud? (Teach the controversy!)

That’s where I’m heading, Dave, and assuming my calculations are correct, it’s gonna be hella chill, brah.Chris: Thank you, both! You really cut through the confusion on the Climate Change issue! Also, I’m totally going to do some research on Venus. I feel like that planet’s atmosphere isn’t all that’s hazy about it–I want the truth!

While I hit the library, let us know if you have any scientific questions for our Two Actual Scientists in the comment space below!