Hey, did you know there’s yet ANOTHER geek-related movie out this weekend? Me neither.

Oh right, it’s Atomic Blonde, the closest thing we’ll ever get to a female James Bond, since women can’t drink martinis or be Scottish, I guess. The film’s been reviewed well (currently certified 76% Fresh on review-aggregating website Rotten Tomatoes), but as always, there are Debbie Downers out to joyfully rain on the punching parade.

AiPT! has curated for your amusement the five most hilarious, overreaching, try-hard negative reviews of Atomic Blonde. Because true progress is being spitefully critic-slammed the same as everything else.

esquire.com

Lorraine punches and is punched, and her body is soon mapped by bruises and abrasions. It’s a lot of abuse for such puny returns … – New York Times

‘Atomic Blonde’ is not a bomb; it’s more of a dud. What should have been cinematic fireworks instead is a series of colorful sparklers. – Journal and Courier

Given that the film gives us ample time to catch our breath in-between the punching, kicking and shooting it will be easier to wish that it had all been condensed into an accessible YouTube video of just the action bits. – The Playlist

Simultaneously byzantine and dumb … – Village Voice

spotern.com

And this installment’s Grand Champion …

While it’s still an enjoyable novelty to spend time during an action movie wondering where I could buy the hero’s boots, it’s no substitute for a good story. – Seattle Times

Gloria Steinem’s dream realized! Atomic Blonde, starring Charlize Theron, opens today.