This one’s right under the wire. It’s never a good sign when reviews don’t get released until just before the movie does, and the adaptation of Stephen King’s The Dark Tower is no exception. With nothing out until this Wednesday, the 20% Fresh score on review-aggregating website Rotten Tomatoes should surprise no one.

So how can a critic stand out when everyone’s already panning something? Pan harder! Curated for your amusement, AiPT! presents the six most hilarious bad reviews of The Dark Tower — just in time to not see it!

Fans have been clamoring for one since the 1990s, and versions of it have been in and out of development for a decade. Pity them, for the final product is cheap, shoddy, and bland to a confounding degree. – Dark Horizons

“The Dark Tower” is a near-total whiff, a mess of a movie that took forever to get made and by the look of things should have taken about twice that long. Or maybe just never have been made at all. – Arizona Republic

The 95-minute culmination of years-long efforts to bring The Dark Tower to the big screen is a complete disaster, a limp, barely coherent shell of a movie. –TheWrap

This isn’t “The Dark Tower.” This is a small, sad pile of rubble – the foundation to a franchise you can only hope is never built. – Newark Star-Ledger

What could have been the next “Game of Thrones” or “The Lord of the Rings” is instead more akin to a 1990s Steven Seagal movie (and not one of the good ones). – USA Today

And this installment’s Grand Champion …

[Matthew] McConaughey, looking like a fatigued Wayne Newton, might just be the worst big-screen baddie since Cate Blanchett played a kooky Soviet in “Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.” – New York Post

NEW YORK, NY – JUNE 30: Matthew McConaughey seen filming on June 30, 2016 in New York City. (Photo by BBD/GC Images)

It’s unbelievable because Wayne Newton is TIRELESS. The Dark Tower, staring Idris Elba, opens today.

  • Jason Segarra

    Shout out to the tireless Wayne Newton!

  • SaucySnoop

    People are all up in arms about this movie but was there ever a good movie made from a Stephen King novel? The Green Mile came close (and please don’t mention Shawshank because the only thing it has in common with King’s short story is the twist ending really).

    • JJ

      Ok I’ll take the bait. The Shining, The Dark Tower, Carrie, It, The Stand, Misery. The list goes on

      • Lil

        Well at least Misery was alright, mostly thanks to Kathy Bates. The rest is just basic horror crap overrated by King’s fanboys. I mean… Carrie? Are you serious?
        Also, keep going since the list goes on please. What’s next? Under the Dome? lol

        • JJ

          Misery wasn’t alright, it was good. Kathy Bates was of course fantastic, but James Caan also played his role very well.

          The Green Mile and The Mist are two more films you can add to the list. Either way, it’s clear we don’t agree on the rest and I won’t jump down that rabbit hole with you.

          So circling back to the original statement about folks being up in arms, The Dark Tower is King’s magnum opus and arguably his most popular work. Reading that series was an investment of time and money, that took years to complete. The reaction of fans is understandable when you look at it from that point of view.