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Tell Us How You Really Feel: The 6 most hilarious bad reviews of “The Dark Tower”

Fastest scorn-slingers in town.

August 4, 2017

This one’s right under the wire. It’s never a good sign when reviews don’t get released until just before the movie does, and the adaptation of Stephen King’s The Dark Tower is no exception. With nothing out until this Wednesday, the 20% Fresh score on review-aggregating website Rotten Tomatoes should surprise no one.

So how can a critic stand out when everyone’s already panning something? Pan harder! Curated for your amusement, AiPT! presents the six most hilarious bad reviews of The Dark Tower — just in time to not see it!

Fans have been clamoring for one since the 1990s, and versions of it have been in and out of development for a decade. Pity them, for the final product is cheap, shoddy, and bland to a confounding degree. – Dark Horizons

“The Dark Tower” is a near-total whiff, a mess of a movie that took forever to get made and by the look of things should have taken about twice that long. Or maybe just never have been made at all. – Arizona Republic

Tell Us How You Really Feel: The 6 most hilarious bad reviews of "The Dark Tower"

The 95-minute culmination of years-long efforts to bring The Dark Tower to the big screen is a complete disaster, a limp, barely coherent shell of a movie. –TheWrap

This isn’t “The Dark Tower.” This is a small, sad pile of rubble – the foundation to a franchise you can only hope is never built. – Newark Star-Ledger

What could have been the next “Game of Thrones” or “The Lord of the Rings” is instead more akin to a 1990s Steven Seagal movie (and not one of the good ones). – USA Today

And this installment’s Grand Champion …

[Matthew] McConaughey, looking like a fatigued Wayne Newton, might just be the worst big-screen baddie since Cate Blanchett played a kooky Soviet in “Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.” – New York Post