The only thing worse than your average online troll is your average online troll who spoils an experience before you have a chance to enjoy it for yourself. You know, an experience like Avengers: Infinity War–one of the most anticipated cinematic events of all time. No big deal!
It’s a safe bet Infinity War directors Anthony and Joe Russo are no fans of trolls themselves, because on April 3, the pair posted a letter to the world on their official Twitter page… with a little help from the film’s star Thanos.
“Don’t spoil it for others, the same way you wouldn’t want it spoiled for you,” the letter reads.
Sounds perfectly reasonable to me, Russo brothers. But if life has taught me anything, it’s that the internet is a horrible place filled with terrible people. We know spoilers will make it onto the web, so let’s pretend that hashtag at the end of the letter, #ThanosDemandsYourSilence, is the real deal. How would Thanos go about punishing the trolls who disobeyed him?
Fear not, Thanos, I’ve come up with three deliciously wicked ways to teach movie-spoiling trolls a lesson they won’t soon forget… I mean, assuming they’re still able to learn lessons after you’re finished with them.
1. Take away their mouths
Growing up, we’re taught to think before we speak. For some reason, trolls missed this valuable lesson, and the rest of the world has to suffer for it. But imagine if we never had to hear another troll insert “SJW” in what they think passes for an intelligent argument. Turns out, Thanos has some experience handling such a nuisance.
In The Infinity Gauntlet #2, Thanos’ brother Starfox is trying to use his emotion-manipulating powers on the Mad Titan, so Thanos uses the Infinity Gauntlet to remove Eros’ mouth. Problem solved!“Annoyances will simply cease to be.”
Thanos, have you ever considered becoming a Reddit mod?
2. Turn their bones to rubber
Now, already, trolls are like, “STOOPID CHRIS, YOU CAN TAKE AWAY OUR MOUTHS BUT WE STILL HAVE OUR BRAINS AND FINGERS AND KEYBOARDS!!! YOU DUMB NOOB!!! LOL!!!”
God, so annoying. Also, isn’t it cute they think they have brains? Anywho, Thanos isn’t afraid of your fingers, the same way he wasn’t afraid of Wolverine’s adamantium claws. In The Infinity Gauntlet #4, Logan sinks his claws into Thanos’ chest, so he uses the Infinity Guantlet to transform the X-Man’s indestructible skeleton into spongy rubber.He’s the best there is at what he does, and what he does is fall to the ground like a pile of fleshy mush… bub.
3. Transform them into glass… then shatter them
Hm, I guess that’s two steps, not one, so this should really be #3 and #4. But… I’m using logic, something trolls can’t even comprehend, so let’s not worry about it.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned about trolls, it’s that despite all their tough talk, they’re actually very fragile. Like, have a woman take on the mantle of Thor and their response it to raise their toy replica of Mjolnir to the basement ceiling and summon a hissy fit.
Their brittle feelings made me think of how Thanos dealt with male Thor back in The Infinity Gauntlet #4–he turned him into glass. Then, he raised his mighty Infinity Gauntlet and smashed the God of Thunder to bits.What’s the saying… people who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones because Thanos will transform you into glass and shatter you. I think that’s the saying.
So, sure, Thanos has a pretty bad track record, what with all the slaughter, but I think most rational internet users could get behind the Mad Titan if he directed some of that rage toward online trolls. Maybe put the whole rebalancing-the-universe scheme aside for a bit and warm up by rebalancing the internet.
I can even give you a list of horribly offensive and troll-harboring websites and YouTube channels to get started with.