Welcome to a new feature at AiPT: Reactions, where each week Russ and I take a look at a collection of songs, videos, movies, etc. and provide our knee-jerk, initial opinion.
Entrance themes have a very important role in wrestling, and in some cases, become as instantly recognizable and loved as the wrestlers themselves.
These are not those cases.
K-Kwik – “Get Rowdy”
Pat’s Take: Ron “K-Kwik/R-Truth” Killings’ laughable rapping career started here, paired with the embarrassing, failing career of Road Dogg Jesse James. After spending three minutes trying to decipher his Coptic chanting and incessant barking, all I can make out for certain is that he is in fact urging me to “get rowdy” and to “move some thangs”. Well, Ron, if “getting rowdy” means shamelessly flailing around the entrance ramp like some pitiable, self-loathing jester, and “moving some thangs” means unsuccessfully trafficking drugs across borders making me unable to enter most countries, count me out.
Russ: Sounds like a karaoke rendition of Mystikal’s “Shake Ya Ass,” performed by a local drunk on the verge of blacking out while gargling Listerine and cheap vodka the entire time. Also, he’s a retard.
Jeff Jarrett – “With My Baby Tonight”
Pat’s Take: Another song featuring Road Dogg, the apparent death knell of wrestling entrance themes. Not only are we treated with the most generic country wailings of all time from the D-O-Double G, we also have to sustain backup singers who sound like bleating walruses, unabashedly begging for more fisheads.
Russ: Hahaha. Never at one point does it sound like he has any idea as to the timing or beat of the song he is singing, or maybe he just started “singing” embarrassingly late and is playing catch-up the entire duration. Also, the three girls sound like they are tied up and singing at gunpoint. I just played this song over the phone for a redneck friend with a gunrack and the Confederate flag emblazoned on the back of his truck and he subsequently threw up and blindfolded one of his horses and shot it to “spare it the goldurned agony.”
X-Pac/X-Factor – “Whatchu Lookin’ At?”
Pat’s Take: “How can we make X-Pac look even more like a living joke?” must have been the overarching subject of the production meeting that spawned this unholy union of professional wrestling and Uncle Kracker. The answer, apparently, was “Give his ill-conceived, piecemealed faction a theme song so soul-crushing, the blood pouring out of your ears will distract you from the talentless mess it heralds”. Bonus points for the rapper grunting and shouting “X-Factor!” hastily dubbed over the frankly, already pretty tawdry anthem.
Russ: “I got everything I ever wanted, and I’ll never give that back.” This is the sort of song that you might play at your worst enemy’s funeral from the rafters of the church like some modern day Phantom of the Opera, then stop halfway through, apologize profusely to their loved ones, disappear in a cloud of smoke, and run away like some barbarous vagrant in a fevered nightmare, doomed to forever wander the earth with your eyes to the ground, maudlin and muttering incoherently amidst the bitter winter chill, pondering the true nature of suffering in this journey we call life. (Hint, it’s listening to this song.)
The Oddities – “The Greatest Show”
Pat’s Take: I’m kind of torn on this one, because this song is so ludicrous, so obnoxious that the only group of wrestlers who could ever make it work would be emotionally stunted, physically deformed, socially outcasted miscreants who proudly refer to themselves as “sideshow freaks”. If Insane Clown Posse was ever hired for a better job, I’ve never heard of it.
Russ: I f-----g hate this song.
The Undertaker – “You’re Gonna Pay”
Pat’s Take: The Undertaker’s has so many incarnations, and so many resulting theme songs, that it’s hard to keep track. That’s part of what makes him such a mainstay in the business and in pop culture: his ability to adapt with the times. Apparently 2003 was a dark, creatively devoid time. “Big Evil” (Yes, that was actually his nickname at the time) had an accompanying theme so generic and Nickleback-ish that it almost makes me wish he kept his Limp Bizkit theme.
Russ: This is the song that all wildlife hear played in their head on loop and in perpetuum as they are sucked in by the mesmerizing yellow bore of headlights, in the moments before being struck dead by a 4,000 pound automobile. You know, that way they actually thank God in “Roadkill Heaven” for ending their lives, if only to spare them from such auditory misery.
Randy Orton – “Voices”
Pat’s Take: Randy Orton has been built up to be a soulless, raging, tempermental “Viper” with no remorse, emotion or regret. Why, then, does he come out to a theme that sounds like a 15-year-old emo kid explaining to his psychiatrist why he needs to be re-upped on his Xanax prescription? This doesn’t intimidate me; this makes me want to kick dirt in his face and tell him to go write a song about it.
Russ: If someone was handed a microphone and recorded moments before drowning, this would be the result.
If we missed any, and there have been hundreds of horrible theme songs over the year, be sure to sound off in the comments section.