We’re only a few days away from an Avengers film that’s looking like it just might live up to all that ubiquitous hype. So what better way to celebrate than with your good pals from Adventures in Poor Taste needlessly speculating on which characters can be crammed into the sequel because… b---h, this is Hollywood.
That being said, we definitely don’t need more than a few of these characters added into the Avengers movie mythos just yet because, well, without an excellent director and script, it’s guaranteed to become a gratuitous, muddled shitfest.
But you can imagine what it’d be like if done right, right?
Scarlet Witch: Marion Cotillard
Tough choice here and the one I mulled over the longest. (Mere coincidence that this “research” consisted of looking at several pictures of scantily clad women, I swear.)
For Wanda Maximoff, the probability altering, wimple-toting, Chaos Magic casting Scarlet Witch, I wanted someone with a unique, almost ethereal aura about them; one befitting of her arcane powers. And of course someone beautiful enough to share screen time with Scarlett Johansson.
At first I considered Alicia Witt, but decided her lack of acting experience would detract from the overall sentiment of the character. Then Olga Kurylenko sprang into mind… mostly because of her exotic ethnicity and how well she’d fill out the costume; but just like Alicia, her acting chops are questionable.
Ultimately I decided on Marion Cotillard. She’s an exotic beauty, that’s for damn sure. And as we’ve seen in Inception, she can portray a strong sense of instability and capriciousness; the ability to snap at a moment’s notice.
Others considered: Emily Blunt, Olga Kurylenko
Luke Cage: Terry Crews
Just like Samuel L. Jackson as Nick Fury… this one’s a no-brainer. Take one damn good look at the image above and tell me that resemblance isn’t uncanny. What the hell is this, the movie Cool World or something?
Black Panther: Chiwetel Ejiofor
My initial choice for the Wakandan warrior-king was Michael Jai White and initially, it seemed an infallible one. He’s got the looks and physique nailed down and he’d be able to bang out all of his own stunts due to his extensive martial arts background. Hell, he’s even expressed interest in playing the role before:
Scott Tre: If a major studio were to give you two hundred million dollars to make a movie and gave you complete creative control, what kind of movie would you make? What would be the ultimate Michael Jai White star vehicle?
Michael Jai White: … I would do something with Black Panther that would make you forget about Batman. I guarantee you, if I got a chance to do Black Panther, everything would change. The genre would change.
Definitely a bold claim regarding making people forget about Batman, but I suppose you have to admire the enthusiasm (or is that delusion?). Then, I got to thinking about the detriments to casting him: mediocre acting performances and his age (44). Not to say he’s a bad choice, but I thought there’d be even better fits for him, so I did a little more digging.
Djimon Honsou, perhaps? He’d be solid as well, no doubt. An imposing physical presence and an esteemed actor with befitting roles on the resume (Gladiator, Blood Diamond, Amistad.) No doubt Honsou lends an air of sagacity and regality to the role, but unfortunately we run into the same problem here as we did with Jai White; Honsou doesn’t look it, but he’s in his mid-40s. Since we’re not dealing with every actor emerging from some gridlocked, 30-year old cryostasis, I need to go with someone younger still.
Finally, I settled on a lesser known actor: Chiwetel Ejiofor. Though not as physically imposing as the previously mentioned, he can always go through the requisite Hollywood bulk-up. (HGH and steroid sandwiches). He played a tough, cunning CIA agent opposite Angelina Jolie in Salt that would carry over well to the stoic, no-nonsense demeanor of T’Challa.
Most importantly, the reason I chose Ejiofor over the previous two is because he seems a better fit based on how proficient and cerebral a character the Black Panther is; a genius in physics and advanced technology and one of the smartest people on Marvel’s Earth.
Others considered: Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje, Wesley Snipes ten years ago.
Vision: Patrick Wilson
The density altering, artificial synthezoid Vision requires an actor that is capable of portraying cold, apathetic behavior that could slowly change over the course of the film. Think a reverse Dr. Manhattan: instead of becoming more detached from humanity, he is able to develop emotions due to his heuristic software and the encoded memories of Simon Williams (Wonder Man).
If this was twenty years ago, I’d have taken Peter Weller in a heartbeat. Anyone who has watched RoboCop would agree. The man’s very mannerisms and delivery are so damned robotic that dare I say in 100 years when all actors are replaced by cyborg duplicates, he’ll do a better job of being a machine than the machines themselves.
Patrick Wilson has shown his knack for taking on a stiff, awkward characters prone to tempestuous bouts of emotion such as Nite Owl in Watchmen and Josh Lambert in Insidious. That, and he’d have good enough chemistry with Cotillard onscreen to prevent (most) people from saying “She’s banging a robot, mommy. Please, make it stop.”
Hercules: Joe Manganiello
Dude’s 6’5″, jacked, and has a manly-ass beard. Infuse his character with a little humor to differentiate him from fellow demigod Thor and we have us our Hercules.
Others considered: Karl Urban, not Kevin Sorbo
Henry Pym/Ant-Man/Giant Man: Nathan Fillion
Bradley Cooper instantly sprang to mind because his character from Wedding Crashers, of all movies, actually reminded me of Avengers founding member Hank Pym, minus the whole the size-altering, scientific genius thing. Just think of the way he treats Rachel Adam’s character and push it one step further into wife-beating territory and there you have it.
Then I reconsidered. Sure, Hank Pym made the absolute douchebag mistake of bitchslapping his wife; but that’s not what should define his character. He’s not always a douche. So we need someone that can better portray a dichotomy of both erudite and douche tempermental tendencies, as opposed to an outright douche. Avengers director Joss Whedon already has a good rapport with Nathan Fillion of Firefly and I think Fillion would do the character better justice than Cooper overall.
Janet van Dyne/The Wasp: Mila Kunis
I didn’t want to cast anyone famous in this role, but Mila Kunis is just too good a choice to pass up. I can’t think of many red-blooded males with both eyes and genitals still intact that wouldn’t want to see her svelte, petite self crammed into a skintight yellow and black costume. Hell, even her nasally intonations would be a perfect fit. A better choice than Eva Longoria, in my opinion, whose name has been attached to the role.
Super-Skrull: Derek Mears
Not sure if Fox holds the rights to these guys or what, as they are primarily associated with being the enemies of the Fantastic Four… but Derek Mears, AKA the guy who played Jason in the Friday the 13th remake would make for an intimidating representation of the shape-shifting, superpowered extraterrestrial champion.
Thanos: Michael Clarke Duncan
With foreshadowing of the Infinity Gauntlet itself in Thor, Thanos, the mad Titan, no longer becomes such a far fetched idea for a villain. With some make-up and CGI, Michael Clarke Duncan would be a nice fit. They wouldn’t even have to pay extra for a voice actor.
Other villains considered: A CGI-Ultron and Kang the Conqueror.
Agree/disagree? Did I leave anyone out? Leave a comment.