Connect with us

3 Second Movie Reviews

3 Second Movie Reviews: 6/1/12

Bring on the Summer movie glut! It’s June folks, which means we’re a month deep into the Summer blockbusters. MIB 3 hit last week, with more coming. It’s safe to say our wallets are going to start draining regularly.

In Theaters Now

Men In Black 3 (May 2012)

Genre: Action, Science Fiction

What’s more alien about this woman, her dress or her lack of nipples?

Brolin charms, Jemaine Clement is a very scary bad guy and the science fiction is fun and entertaining. There isn’t a whole lot of action though, and something about Will Smith’s performance seems forced. It’s as if it’s an episode rather than a finale. If you’re expecting a big bombastic summer flick, you’ll be let down. A fun film.

Grade: B-

The Dictator (May 2012)

Genre: Comedy

Probably one of the more gross scenes in the film.

Better than Bruno but not as dense with laughs as Borat, this film dances on the edge of poor taste. The movie is hilarious 70% of the time while the other 30% either falls flat or is so malicious it’s hard to laugh.

Grade: B+

Dark Shadows (May 2012)

Genre: Drama, Science Fiction

Johnny Depp versus Troll doll. Possible foreshadowing of Troll doll movie.

At its heart this is a soap opera and it does it well. The look and story are great, but I never felt like the film knew its identity. The humor nearly always falls flat, and Johnny Depp never seems to have a grasp of the character. The film has an identity crisis going on which leaves the viewer confused on how to feel.

Grade: B-

Recently Released on Disc

We Need To Talk About Kevin (January, 2012)

Genre: Drama, Suspense

“I call this the feel-good film of the year, because parents will leave the cinema going, ‘There but for the grace of God go I’. And people who don’t have children will leave the cinema going, ‘There but for the grace of God go I!. So it’s a win-win situation, I reckon.” -Tilda Swinton

The manipulative and horror of rearing a psychopath is on display here and works due to Tilda Swinton and a story told out of chronological order. This is what it must feel like to have a mental breakdown. The film captures a feeling, I think, many women go through: the fear of losing your identity when becoming a mother.

Grade: A-

The Woman in Black (February 2012)

Genre: Drama, Horror, Mystery & Suspense

Time to get your spook on.

It’s got a ton of mood and the setting is to die for, but it doesn’t do anything new or inventive. Radcliffe does a nice job. It’s “meh” material.

Grade: C

Rampart (February 2012)

Genre: Drama, Suspense

According to IMDB, Woody Harrelson sought advice from Christian Bale on how to get skinny. Bale told Harrelson to eat very little and run as fast as possible. Eat it, Men’s Health!

With The Messenger and this film under his belt, we must consider Oren Moverman a filmmaker to watch. The film isn’t too dark and doesn’t go anywhere really, but the cinematography mixed with Woody is spot on. Some might say this movie is about nothing, but those folks don’t know the best stories are only about the journey.

Grade: A-

Chronicle (February 2012)

Genre: Action, Science Fiction

If you have telekensis and spend most of your time floating a camera around to capture yourself crying, flying and whining…you’re probably a psychotic.

The cast sells the story better than the effects. Their antics get old and annoying. The ending leaves you speechless, not in a good way. I can’t help but think the movie had the right elements but they weren’t utilized in the most efficient way. Interesting philosophical ideas were put forth but abandoned quickly.

Grade: C+

Shame (December, 2011)

Genre: Drama

There’s so much mise en scène in this film you could say it brings on mise-en-scènity. You know, like insanity…[crickets chirp]

This is everything you’d want in a psychological drama as you get to attempt to solve the puzzle that is this sex addict’s life. You’re never really given any reasons for behavior, just reactions to stigma, which is all interesting to a point. The film leaves a lot to the viewers imagination which leaves the viewer feeling empty much like the character.

Grade: B+

Oldy, But Goody?

Don Juan DeMarco, (June 1994)

Genre: Comedy, Drama, Romance

[Insert tasteless fat joke here.]

Imagine a fat person breathing hard, walking onto a porno set, sitting on the bed with the “actors”, then hacking up a lung, the actors eyeball the fat man, then he clears his throat. Awkward right? That’s Brando in this film. Johnny Depp has moments of good acting, but he can’t compete with Brando ruining every scene because you keep thinking, “is this guy going to drop dead?”

Grade: D

Girl on a Motorcycle, (June 1968)

Genre: Drama

Sexual innuendo: it doesn’t get more obvious than this.

This film is about female freedom and a rejection of a woman’s need for the domestic life. It expresses this through psychedelic colors and 60’s effects, close ups of our lead gripping the throttle and a leather bound body rushing through the European countryside. The nudity is kooky rather than exploitative, and its intentions are sometimes naively easy to understand.

Grade: B+


In Case You Missed It

EXCLUSIVE Dark Horse Preview: The Art of Cuphead


GLOW vs. the Babyface #3 Review

Comic Books

Dark Horse First Look: Deluxe and oversized ‘The World of Black Hammer Library Edition Volume 1’ coming June 2020

Comic Books

EXCLUSIVE: Ed Brisson and Declan Shalvey talk new series ‘The Punisher vs. Barracuda’ #1

Comic Books

Newsletter Signup