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3 Second Movie Reviews

3 Second Movie Reviews Horror Edition: 10/19/12

All Hallows’ Eve is quickly approaching, which means we must get our scary movie fix in pronto. Who doesn’t love to snuggle under the covers whilst watching a bone chilling horror/Halloween movie? Hell, who wants to see some gratuitous nudity and blood splatter? This is AiPT’s 3 Second Movie Reviews, where I break down a host of flicks in theaters, recent releases and oldies but goodies. For this horror special I’ve added grades for scary movie favorites such as T&A factor and gore level. Happy watching!

In Theaters Now

Sinister, (October 2012)

Genre: Horror

It’s only a ladd… OMFG!

This film nails atmosphere and acting. It does not nail the scary stuff (the trailers give away all the best scenes). Once again you’ll be screaming at the protagonist to tell his wife, the cops, someone that scary stuff is happening for crying out loud.

It’s not a monster movie but a psychological terror movie, and it does that well. Judging by what has and will come out in 2012 this is probably going to be the best horror film we’ll get. Oh yeah, it nails it in the soundtrack department.

T&A: F

Zero. It’s a film about a daddy and his kids. What do you expect?

Gore: D

You get some blood on some walls, the demon has a messed up face… could be better.

Overall Grade: B

Frankenweenie, (October 2012)

Genre: Horror, Animation, Science Fiction, Comedy

This is a love letter to all things monsters, classic movies and dog on dog necrophilia.

It’s fun even as a family safe picture and it contains everything you expect and love from Burton which is its only weakness. Expectations aside, the monster mash up ending is excellent and Sparky the dog couldn’t be better. When he’s off screen the joy leaves this picture. The 3D is distracting and only succeeds at making mundane shots appear to pop. Most jump at you shots were trivial and pointless.

T&A: F

Strictly family friendly. No teetahs.

Gore: C+

You’ll be surprised by the blood and gore splattering the walls in full-on goopy glory. Sparky the dog is pretty gross, especially when the protagonist rubs his face all over him.

Overall Grade: B+

Recently Released on Disc

Excision, (October 2012)

Genre: Horor, Comedy

Sex + Gore = this film + alcohol + friends = good times.

Ah, puberty, the best-worst years of our lives usually marked with obsession and frustration. This film captures that in a girl who psychologically torments her family and classmates with her weird death obsessive personality. The girl dreams of sleeping with dead bodies, pulling fetuses from her womb (and more!) and getting off on it. This isn’t scary however, but a dark comedy that takes shots at religion, sex and well, being a teen. The only weakness I can see is that it’s not obvious enough in places as far as meaning. It is gloriously disturbing. Also check out our interview with the director here.

T&A: B+

Some naked breasts on sleep walking assistants and nude dead bodies in the girl’s dreams. Oh, and a sex scene that’s bordering on softcore.

Gore: A

Severed heads, amateur surgery scenes on stomachs and lungs and a blender’d fetus. Cutting too! Twisted stuff and it brings it by the bucket full.

Overall Grade: B+

Dark Shadows, (May 2012)

Genre: Drama, Comedy

True Blood has nothing on this sex scene.

Boy, Tim Burton sure was busy this year. At its heart this is a soap opera and it does that well. The look and story are great, but I never felt like it knew its identity. The humor nearly always falls flat, and Johnny Depp never seems to have a grasp of the character. The film has an identity crisis going on leaving the viewer confused on how to feel. Is it scary, funny, or both? Many moments fall flat because they aren’t picking one and running with it.

T&A: C+

Eva Green delivers the cleavage like no other. No nudity however, but she sexes it up.

Gore: D-

Besides some blood on Johnny Depp’s mouth… nothing. Unless you’re into that sort of thing.

Overall Grade: C+

Prometheus, (June 2012)

Genre: Action, Science Fiction, Horror

Rob Gronkowski doubled his ESPN nude photoshoot with this…I assume!

An incredibly absorbing science fiction thriller that makes you think about the stars, mythology and life itself. The production values are high, the acting is impeccable and it succeeds at each genre that makes up the film. You might leave the film with unanswered questions, but that’s part of the fun. As far as horror goes this film is probably the best monster movie of the year (unless Silent Hill: Revelation 3D manages to be worth watching.). There’s plenty of creatures to freak you out. The vagina snake is one that’ll keep you awake at night.

T&A: D-

Aside from some naked cesarean belly shots and some tame sexy time… nothing.

Gore: A

Alien snakes dig into flesh, zombies burn alive, insect aliens carve their way into eyeballs. Good stuff.

Overall Grade: B+

The Loved Ones, (June 2012)

Genre: Horror

This will go down as the most twisted and disturbing prom flick ever. Yes, that includes Carrie.

Suspense will grip you as this Aussie torture flick takes you in unexpected directions. If you’re adverse to torture porn it’s not all about the gross gore shots but the interaction between victim and assailant. That allows for character development which sorely lacks in most horror flicks. You’ll also get a couple good chuckles (the dark kind) in. The main weakness is the supporting cast being incredibly (because everything else is so good) pointless.

T&A: A-

Naked breasts, a sex scene…yup this is the good stuff.

Gore: A

I hate torture porn but this was just enough to make me feel gross in a good way. We’re talking drills smoking through bones, mutilation, humans eating humans. It’s a party up in here.

Overall Grade: A-

Silent House, (March 2012)

Genre: Horror, Thriller

The rule of horror movies is on display here: cuteness of girl – suckiness of plot = quality of horror movie, which can’t save this film.

Elizabeth Olsen holds things together, but there’s only so much tedious screaming and running an audience can take. The entire film is one continuous shot (not really but it’s shot to look as such) and while that’s technically good it can’t fix this boring film. The reveal is horrific, but more in a “boy it sure is hard out there” sort of way.

T&A: F

This is about a girl remembering her tortured past. You DON’T want to see the naked stuff.

Gore: D+

Some blood, but this is about the psychological.

Overall Grade: C-

The Devil’s Rock, (February 2012)

Genre: Horror, Drama

Being a Nazi sure does bite!

You gotta love the folklore demonology, the setting and the special effects. Sadly though, the scares never ramp up and the film focuses more on the drama of the characters. For a low budget film it’s great, but leaves much to be desired. On such a small budget it’s appreciated how strong the creature effects are.

T&A: D-

The chick is hot but this is low budget aka don’t’ show nudity or you pay extra.

Gore: B+

The blood-streaked walls and mutilated corpses don’t account for the lack of on camera blood geysers. You do get an awesome head chomp.

Overall Grade: B

The Innkeepers, (February 2012)

Genre: Horror

I’m just glad the “Two Girls One Cup” actress moved on with her career.

This is not even half as good as the director’s previous film, The House of the Devil. I found this film more a test of patience than anything. Think of it as 102 minutes of waiting for the scare to pop out but it never does. The acting is good, but I just don’t get why this is supposed to be good. Too many false starts and not even payoff.

T&A: F


Gore: F


Overall Grade: D

Oldy, But Goody?

Maniac Cop, (May 1988)

Genre: Horror

If you look at this picture really quickly it looks like Christian Bale vomited on himself.

Schlocky fun and dumb action horror that’s just stupid enough to be entertaining. One scene in particular, where the Chief of Police presses a cop on how weak he was to try to kill himself, is hilariously dumb. I’ve never seen the sequels, but I can only hope they are better than this.

T&A: F.

Not much. Too risky back in the 80’s.

Gore: D.

His face, which isn’t very clear till the end, is gross.

Overall Grade: C+

Paranormal Activity 3, (October 2011)

Genre: Horror

Other running titles for this series were, “Camcorder Obsession Diaries” and my favorite, “The Patience Tester 3: Just Wait 2 More Minutes for Something to Happen. Please?”

It’s definitely spine tingling, but haven’t we had enough of these “wait for something to happen in the shot” films? This flick is 80 minutes and a good 50 of those minutes require you to wait. I’d much rather see more films like REC 1 and REC 2. We shall see if the 4th installment later this month will make enough to see a 5th installment.

T&A: F

Underwear shots. Nothing else. The protagonists are basically children, ya weirdos.

Gore: F

It’s about the perfectly innocent ON-CAMERA (literally) stuff. Blah.

Overall Grade: D+

Insidious, (April 2011)

Genre: Horror

Ghostbuster fans rejoice!

This movie is the real deal. The scares come from the soundtrack and music predominately, which is fantastic. The story isn’t predictable which you’ll appreciate. A great horror film in these torture porn days.

T&A: F

Slow boil, sexy time in the sense of suspense. Nudity would defile this creature!

Gore: F

Suspense! Nothing to see here…move along!

Overall Grade: B+

Blood Creek, (September 2009)

Genre: Horror

Nazis are the go-to for vampire, zombie, occult, horror flicks. Who do you think will take their place in the next 100 years? They can’t keep doing it, right?

The first ten minutes feature Michael Fassbender (the new Magneto) and he’s amazing. The rest of the film does not follow any of its own rules and devolves from its high concept into another dumb monster movie. I might be giving this a hard time for just how powerful the opening is, but it’s frustrating when something has so much promise and then falls back on cliched tropes.

T&A: F

This is all about running and hiding. No time for dat s--t!

Gore: A

Mangled heads, flaming vampire horses seeking blood! This is where it’s going to do its damage in the rating scale.

Overall Grade: D

Black Death, (March 2011)

Genre: Horror

Sometimes a witch is just a b---h with makeup. In this case lots of torture devices too. This flick brings the ouchie.

It’s sad when movies this good aren’t noticed because the genre it appears to be in gets no attention. Good psychological and historical horror film set during the Dark Age. Sean Bean appears to be in yet another fantasy romp but a closed off town controlled by a witch isn’t what it appears to be. Well paced and well worth your time.

T&A: F

The grade is no slight on the film. Why would they even want it with all the Dark Ages torture? You sicko.

Gore: A

It’s brutal. Torture devices don’t bring the blood, but they bring the pain!

Overall Grade: A-

Devil, (March 2011)

Genre: Horror

It’s like Saw only it’s a smaller room and the trapped folks are more bitchy.

Nice taut thriller, but was supposed to be a horror and sucked at being scary. Nothing corny, nothing unoriginal. I call that a win. Does it hold precedence over other options for a good scare on Halloween night? No way.

T&A: F

It’s all set in an elevator. Do you really think a strip tease is in order?

Gore: B+

It’s effective but not excessive. Like a fine wine.

Overall Grade: B


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