Velvet #4
Written by Ed Brubaker | Art by Steve Epting
Dave: She’s simply trying to reduce the amount of drooling this guy does.
Sam: Let’s put a smile on that face!
Dog: Still a better Lone Ranger adaptation than Disney’s.
Grimm Fairy Tales #95
Written by Raven Gregory | Art by Antonio Bifulco
Dave: The goddess of death sure has an ample supply of life giving milk.
Dog: The scantily clad goddess offers him a REWARD for his EBONY SCYTHE and he asks …that she NOT touch him. Is this the first recorded example of Bizarro porn?
Jordan: It takes a lot of superglue to keep that outfit on, I bet.
Lady Rawhide #4
Written by Eric Trautmann | Art by Milton Estevam, Rey Villegas
Dave: I didn’t know scissoring was a fighting style. Also, good thing she has such a supportive top because those knockers would put her in a coma at that angle.
Dog: And people complain about Greg Land’s “static” images. This looks like a Canadian maid and a rodeo-themed stripper arguing in zero gravity.
Patrick: SCISSOR ME TIMBERS!
Sam: Awkward dialogue on top of an awkward image, if this is what gets published, I’m embarrassed to be a comic fan.
Mangeto #1
Written by Cullen Bunn | Art by Gabriel Hernandez Walta
Dave: Now that’s what I call deep throat…too much?
Dog: “Get the amalgam fillings,” they said. “They’re just as safe as resin,” they said.
Sam: So, it wasn’t enough to just stuff him with traffic signs? We also needed to see that he was stabbed with glass shards?
Jordan: Look Sam, sometimes you just have make sure a person is extra dead and that’s what those glass shards are for.
The Darkness: Vicious Traditions
Written by Ales Kot | Art by Dean Ormston
Dave: Did he just rip out that guys aorta!?
Dog: He’s, uh, rotating the guy’s blood vessels. Helped ancient Roman doctors balance the air humor.
Sam: This guy doesn’t like being cut in line. At all.
Saviors #3
Written by James Robinson | Art by J. Bone
Dave: No. No we can not.
Dog: What color to paint the walls? How about a nice, deoxygenated burgundy?
Sam: That is way too clean a rip to be real.
Jordan: Oh dude, there’s no need to be so mean about it if you don’t want to be a part of the group discussion.
Apocalypse Al #2
Written by J. Michael Straczynski | Art by Bill Farmer
Dave: The award for most epically shameless upskirt goes to…!
Dog: I’m glad there’s still voyeur porn after the Rapture. True Hell on Earth would be spanking it to the torn remnants of the JC Penney catalog.
Patrick: The good news is, in the great state of Massachusetts this is now a perfectly legal photo to take.
Rogue Agent #1
Written by Ryan Ruckley | Art by Alberto Ponticelli
Dave: Technically, these two laser gun victims just had sex.
Dog: Is the second guy eight feet tall or did he have to pogo up to take it in the face?
Sam: In what circumstance would you need that strong of a blast to kill anyone? That’s just a waste of energy if you ask me.
Jordan: Oh, a double kill! That’ll help his score.
Moon Knight #1
Written by Warren Ellis | Art by Declan Shalvey
Dave: The sewers: the most logical place to heal yourself since never.
Dog: Christ, did Magneto move from off-brand dentistry to general practice between the last few panels? He’s literally failing upwards.
Sam: Warren Ellis, are you trying to say that all handicapped people are psychopathic murderers? Is that all part of your little agenda? Huh? Huh?!
Jordan: Man, S.H.I.E.L.D.’s health care package for its employees really sucks.
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