Pro Wrestling

WWE Legends’ House Review: Episode 1 “The Boys Are Back”

April 19, 2014

This is a reality TV show… of eight legends picked to live in a house… to do random activities and have their lives taped… to see what happens… when wrestling personalities stop kayfabing… and start shooting… Legends’ House.

Unlike most reality TV shows revolving around people living in a house together, these eight occupants are no strangers and have known each other on and off for the last 25+ years. And if you don’t know, these eight participants happen to be: “Rowdy” Roddy Piper, “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan, Hillbilly Jim, Tony Atlas, Pat Patterson, Mean Gene Okerlund, Jimmy Hart, and Howard Finkel.

Everybody gets to the lavish Palm Springs digs via limo, and as soon as they see each other it’s all hugs and playing catch up while Tony Atlas eats everything in sight because at this point they’ve already reminded us, once again, that Tony is poor, which apparently is a running joke previously brought to light from his cameo in MTV’s True Life: I’m a Pro Wrestler.

As everyone finally settles in we are then introduced to Ashley, the mandatory eye candy. She’s hot and young enough to be their granddaughter and has probably never even heard of them. I’m actually surprised she’s not already a WWE Diva. She comes in with cakes in hand and gives the legends their first asinine assignment: split up into pairs and introduce themselves to their neighbors.

Some of the highlights include Mean Gene having to stop Tony from eating all of their neighbor’s brownies, and Pat Patterson and Howard Finkel being turned away by their neighbor’s housekeeper. The best scene takes place when roomies Hacksaw Jim Duggan and Roddy Piper go visit a family with two young little boys. Luckily, the kids have been prepped ahead of time and are made aware that these two are wrestlers. The smallest one even asks Piper to see him wrestle. Piper obliges and throws a forearm to the back of an unbeknownst Duggan. This sets off a sequence of events that involves Duggan trying to one-up and embarrass Piper, from having one of the kids offer Piper a dog treat as a snack, which he actually puts in his mouth, to shoving Piper out the door and closing it on him as they’re leaving.

This continues onto the next day, as we come across the obligatory scene to showcase just how old these men are. But instead of them trying to figure out doohickeys like an iPad or a laptop, Piper is having trouble trying to figure out how to work a high-end blender. As Piper grumbles his way around the blender, Duggan stands by making fun of him. Of course, the big payoff comes when Duggan finally shows him how to turn the damn thing on.

The legends struggle to find any sustenance other than booze until finally Pat volunteers to cook cabbage rolls. This leads to Pat and Jimmy Hart taking a whimsical trip in their only means of transportation, a golf cart, to the local supermarket. Pat flirts with the butcher and asks if he likes to “play with meat.” While the wrestlers wait on Pat’s five-hour cabbage rolls, the legends decide to play some tennis. Again, Piper is made to look foolish and hotheaded as he struggles to hit the tennis ball at least once. It doesn’t help that he’s playing alongside a hefty Howard Finkel against a still-slim Jimmy Hart and in-shape Hillbilly Jim. The legends then retreat inside only to find that Pat has given up on the cabbage rolls.

The next morning they hear a nearby gong go off and Mean Gene immediately assumes Mr. Fuji has arrived. It turns out to be Tony Atlas’ “hero,” Gary Busey. Busey leads the legends in a yoga session, with mantras and all. Hippie Jim takes to it quickly, as Hillbilly Jim is now far removed from being the Mudlick Kentuckian that we all grew to know and love, and is all Mr. “I’m Here for a Good Time” now. Atlas is in complete awe of Gary Busey’s wisdom, which includes gems like “enemies are just friends in reverse.” Nobody else buys into his BS, and Piper even manages to out-Gary Busey Gary Busey, leaving him speechless in the process. Which, of course, is no easy feat.

We also get our first taste of some old school tension as Duggan craps on Atlas’ moment to shine in front of Busey. While talking about his charity work with kids and stating generally vague facts like most parents spend about 3-4 hours a day with their children, Duggan takes offense to that by countering that he spends way more time with his own daughters. I can only imagine are probably in their 30’s given Duggan’s age, so who knows how much truth there is to that. Tony goes in defense mode and all of a sudden the legends are trying to calm him down, and instantly, we get our reality TV crazy black token. Hope you’re happy, Duggan.

Later that night, seeing as there’s still no food in the house, the wrestlers resort to drinking the crap-load of booze that makes up most of the house’s supply of nourishment. This is where shit gets real. A sober Piper suddenly decides he can’t deal with all this drinking and leaves the house. Suddenly, Piper is no longer the comic relief of the show and is leaning more towards his Da Maniac character that he played on It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia: a morose loner with inner demons still lurking around. The rest of the legends speculate on just how unstable Piper is as the cameras follow him to an isolated spot outside the swanky community, while weird animal noises that sound like a mixture of a coyote howling and Busey’s goose honking echo in the background. And that ends our first episode.

Legendary Lessons Learned:

About 75% of an older wrestler’s wardrobe consists of old WWE swag.
Hillbilly Jim has apparently been living in a Jimmy Buffet song since he retired from pro wrestling.