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Panels in Poor Taste: 3/20/2015 – Eyeballs a Poppin’

Divinity #2

By Matt Kindt and Trevor Hairsine

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Nick: You know the spark is gone when the creepy spaceman watching you in bed is getting bored with the show.

Dave: I think I’m getting a headache just reading this.

Dog: The High Evolutionary ponders, “Am I attracted to Dolph Lundgren in drag? It’s so lonely on Counter Earth.”

John: His loss. My gain. Now get this over with so I can bring the moving van around.

Batman/Superman #20

Written by Greg Pak | Art by Ardian Syaf

Dave: The holidays are a lot different when you invite Batman over for dinner.

Dog: “MY Grandma makes uncomfortably racist remarks about the ‘dark meat’ at Thanksgiving dinner, so you’re … actually, you’re pretty okay, now that I think about. Sorry for the massive cranial contusions.”

Nick: That’s a pretty aggressive ‘stranger danger’ technique, Mr. Wayne.

John: I always knew Batman was a Sith.

Lady Demon #3

Written by Aaron Gillespie | Art by Mirka Andolfo

Dave: They really are letting the fungal commercials get away with more these days.

Dog: His doctor told him not to sleep with his contacts in…

Nick: Looks like someone finally released a Sean Hannity sex tape.

Sidekick #10

J. Michael Straczynski and Art by Tom Mandrake

Dave: Exploding Armstrong wasn’t as big of a seller as Stretch Armstrong, but that’s partly due to all the fingers children lost after “playing” with them.

Nick: Wow—eyeballs are getting the short end of the stick this week.

Dog: And every week! Might as well just rename this column “Eyeballs A-Poppin’.” More projectile peepers per page than any other site on the ‘net!

East of West #18

Written by Jonathan Hickman | Art by Nick Dragotta

Dave: Some tumors just want to be loved.

John: Cuddle: codeword for ‘do you want to die, little balloon?’

Dog: After people, hamsters will gorge on our remains and become the dominant megafauna, deterring all predators with their mass and ADORABLE WITTLE FACES SQEEEEEE!

Princess Leia #2

Written by Mark Waid | Art by Terry Dodson

Dave: New Star Wars comics are integrating the prequels, which immediately makes me wonder…did Leia ever get it on with a Gungan?

Nick: I just hope it means we get to watch Jar Jar die an agonizing death at some point.

John: The real Jar Jar did die in Phantom Menace. He never made it through the Core. The Jar Jar after is really just a body double. #StarWarsConspiracy

Action Comics #40

Written by Greg Pak | Art by Aaron Kudor

Dave: I’d love to see Jason Momoa with this version of the Aquaman costume, complete with a fishbowl on his head.

Nick: I have a sweater that looks like Aquaman’s shirt.

John: Bizarro needs to lay off the Marlboro Reds. Man his teeth are yellow. How many puffs does it take to create a hole in his throat?

Dog: Beatnik hobo Superman thinks they’re all crazy.

Sons of Anarchy #19

Written by Ryan Ferrier | Art by Matías Bergara

Nick: Next Panel: A giant mole saunters up and whispers “I can make that happen if you’re down…”

Dave: So you’re saying if we get past the fist whack level we get to the “fun” whackin?

John: We are still waiting on the third and fourth member to make this a party and then the real *wink* whackin’ can begin.

Dog: “Everyone put your keys in the bowl! Preferably not Aquaman’s!”

Manhattan Projects: The Sun Beyond the Stars #1

Written by Jonathan Hickman | Art by Nick Pitarra

Dave: The last recorded image of someone using the saying, “boom goes the dynamite!”

Nick: The eyeballs survived that? Seriously?

Dog: We feature only the most indestructible orbs on “Eyeballs a Poppin’”! All eyeballs guaranteed at tensile strengths of 3,000 psi or higher!

John: All creatures must have one or two eyes. Three is unacceptable.

Amazing Spider-Man #16

Written by Dan Slott | Art by Humberto Ramos

John: That’s some tough love…

Dave: I had a psychologist who used this brand of understanding. It worked, but the finisher was always the hardest part of our sessions.

Dog: The terrible truth of PETA, brought to light.

Spread #6

Written by Justin Jordan | Art by
Felipe Sobreiro

Dave: The baby might not be touched, but now it’s filled with nightmares.

Dog: The blood really clashes with his lavender shirt and golden bolo tie. But then again, anything would.

Nick: At least one of the bad guy’s eyeballs made it.

John: The no look stab to Jordan and…it’s good! Slam dunk!

Plunder #2

Written by Swifty Lang | Art by Skuds McKinley

Dave: Market researchers decided the Taco Bell buffet was changing their customers behavior a bit too much. “Sticking to horse meat,” they mumbled, exiting the lab.

Nick: I once partook in a Kentucky Fried Chicken buffet, and I can promise you gory aftermath is still completely worth it.

John: This is what happens when you breed with parasitic aliens or in Nick’s case eating at KFC.

Dog: How’d that drippy, non-poppin’ eyeball sneak on here? Someone call quality control!

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