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Mediocrity Assemble: Marvel Strikes Out Again With Avengers: Age of Ultron

Thomas Jefferson once said, “If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my best.”

In case you haven’t heard, Avengers: Age of Ultron comes out this week. Another Avengers movie! I know what you’re thinking … Does Disney like losing money?

If you’re Joss Whedon’s agent’s mistress, you might argue with me and say “But Avengers made over $1 billion.” Well that’s exactly my point, idiot! (no offense) Let me tell you something Disney doesn’t want you to know – Avengers should have made at least $2 billion at the box office. By my calculations, that means Avengers lost over $1 billion, a financial disaster that makes Bernie Madoff look like Warren Buffett! Yet we imprison Madoff, and let Whedon continue to direct movies. Only in Obama’s America …

Anyway, after the disaster that was the first Avengers film, you’d think Disney would learn its lesson and focus on the next John Carter movie. But instead Disney doubled down with Avengers: Age of Ultron and let me tell you folks, the results are about as ugly as you would expect.

Predictably, Age of Ultron has the same problems as the first Avengers– horrible CG, low-budget acting, and spotty frontal nudity. Also, the script is really thin–people forget this, but Avengers is actually based on a comic book written by a fan fiction writer named “Brian Michael Bendis” a few years ago, and Bendis’s amateurism shows on screen.

About the only thing this movie has going for it is its diversity. Between Robert Downey Jr., Chris Evans, Chris Hemsworth, Mark Ruffalo, Jeremy Renner, Scarlett Johansson, and James Spader, Avengers: Age of Ultron does just a great job representing people of all races and backgrounds. It really is an amazing achievement, and despite its other flaws, Age of Ultron should be applauded for its commitment to diversity.

But while it might win a few Image Awards, make no mistake–Age of Ultron is no Oscar contender. As I mentioned above, while he could make an okay key grip one day, Joss Whedon just doesn’t have the chops as a director to make Age of Ultron a watchable movie–which is probably why Marvel has already announced he won’t be back for the next one. But who will replace “Loss” Whedon? Well, the answer should be obvious:

M. Night Shymalan!

If Marvel has any sense, it’s already contacted Night and offered him a blank check to fix the Avengers albatross. M. Night Shymalan is about as A-list as it gets, and if you don’t think his Avengers makes at least $3 billion at the box office, well then I guess I just don’t know movies …

Also, just think of how great an Avengers Shymalan twist would be! Can you imagine the look on audiences’ faces when it turns out that Captain America (played by blonde haired, blue eyed Chris Evans) was really a Nazi the whole time! That’s movie magic, and Marvel would be foolish to let Oscar gold like that slip through its fingers.

But until Marvel and Disney smarten up, we’ll continue to have to assemble for more second-rate Avengers films.


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