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Woman Moves Family Out of the United States Due to ‘Captain America: Steve Rogers’ #1’s Ending

New York, NY—May 25th, 2016 — Cindy Watson has had enough of Captain America. And it’s not the return to the badge-shaped shield of yore that has her fuming.

“It’s despicable, really,” says the stern-looking, stubble-chinned, single mother of three. “I want my children to grow up in a country whose representative comic book hero isn’t some duplicitious s--t-weasel. Make mine Marvel? Pft. They made Captain America into a Nazi scumbag that murders the innocent. Make mine nothing. Stan Lee is rolling over in his cryogenic chamber right now.”

She’s talking of course about the (SPOILER ALERT) narrative rug pull on the last page of Captain America: Steve Rogers #1 appalling enough to make M. Night Shyamalan season his drawers with the gentleman’s relish: the revelation that Captain America is in fact a member of Hydra.

Steve, how could you?

“It’s a desperate, transparent gimmick done solely for a quick sales boost and character assassination in the worst way.” Her eyes glaze over with the sort of rage reserved for intellectual prodigies and the mentally insane. “I hope one day, when writer Nick Spencer is lying there alone in his greasy, piss-stained deathbed after a life of self-induced solitude, he knows the excruciating pain of having his preferred presidential candidate equated with a racist supervillain by some upstart comic book writer desperately trying to make a name for himself.” She laughs and blows a plume of watermelon-flavored e-liquid from her vape all over and around the semi-circle of paper bowls that her three small, seemingly oblivious children eat Fruity Pebbles cereal from. “Wouldn’t that be ironic?”

The dialogue from this panel may never be more metaphorical, at least in the eyes of (former) fans like Cindy Watson.

When asked if she’d change her mind if the plot direction is the result of a Captain America doppelganger, alternate universe Cap or elaborate ploy that’ll resolve itself in the end: “Who cares? We won’t be sticking around. Nothing is sacred in this country anymore. We’ve already finished packing.” She claps her hands and the youngest of her three children stops eating her cereal and resumes folding a stack of plus-sized women’s undergarments. “Yeah, packed all our things and headed North. Got family up in Sasketchewan. After Bill Cosby, Donald Sterling and Jared from Subway…. I just can’t lose another hero right now. Especially not Captain America. I just took my kids to see the awe-inspiring Captain America: Civil War where Cap defended his homicidal best friend through thick and thin from the government like a true patriot and now they lay this s--t on us? How could Disney let this happen?”

When asked who would become the family’s new favorite hero, Watson gives a sly grin. “You’d think the obvious answer would be Captain Canuck or even Wolverine — but I have to go with someone far more inviolable, for my children’s sake. Someone my children can truly look up to. Someone who’s not an anti-Semite. Someone like Puck.”

Puck: The only inviolable hero we have left?


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