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31 Days of Halloween

Teeth Review: Unfunny gags and lack of scares dominate toothless horror comedy

Dawn is a living example of the vagina dentata myth.

As we close in on October 31, AiPT! will be reviewing and recommending various pieces of underappreciated scary media-books, comics, movies, and television-to help keep you terrified and entertained all the way up to Halloween.

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When you think of the horror comedy genre, you probably think of some raunchy laughs and playful jump scares. For these kinds of movies, people either love them or hate them. There is rarely an in between. Either they are top-notch and on the verge of brilliance or they are just plain bad. Unfortunately, 2007’s Teeth is the latter.

Teeth is about a girl named Dawn (Jess Weixler), who speaks at purity groups and holds her abstinence from sex in the highest regard. However, she meets a boy named Tobey (Hale Appleman), who makes her vow to remain pure a challenge. During a sexual assault, Dawn discovers that her vagina is ridden with razor sharp teeth and, after some research, she learns that she is a living example of the vagina dentata myth.

I usually like to begin by mentioning the positive aspects of a film that I am reviewing. But in this case, it was difficult to find any. First and foremost, the “comedy” in this movie was practically non-existent. There were a couple lines throughout the movie that confused me and made absolutely no sense, but I think they were what writer and director Mitchell Lichtenstein attempted to pass as jokes. Even if they were not delivered as poorly as they were, they still would not be worthy of any laughter.

Teeth also contained zero bits of horror. The fact that her lady part contained teeth is not enough to classify this movie in the genre. There was not a single moment of suspense or even one measly jump scare.
Ultimately, the biggest problem with this flick, however, is the plot. The protagonist, who is just as unlikable as the rest of the characters, falls victim to a rape. During the vicious assault, writer Lichtenstein tries to force a bit of comedy by having the assailant’s penis ripped off via toothed vagina and both characters are left screaming in a manner that I assume is supposed to be humorous. Instead, I was left feeling shocked and repulsed that a sexual assault was trying to be passed as comedy. Nothing about this scene was funny.

However, Lichtenstein didn’t stop there. Throughout the remainder of the movie, Dawn becomes a victim to multiple accounts of sexual harassment and assault until she learns to fight back with the only weapon she has. At one point, incest becomes a big theme in the film, making this already absurd and disgusting “horror comedy” film unwatchable.

I would never in my life recommend this movie to anyone. The acting alone was bad enough, but after adding in the tasteless dark humor and the poor way that it was handled, I would have to conclude that Teeth is one of the worst movies that I have ever laid eyes upon. I would rather have a tooth-laced vagina than have to sit through this revolting waste of ninety-eight minutes for a second time. Therefore, this movie gets a 1/10.

Is it good?
It turns out that Lichtenstein took a bigger bite than he could chew in 2007's horror comedy Teeth.
Original idea
Bad acting
Jokes about serious topics in a tasteless manner
-Painfully unfunny
Not at all scary
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