Movies

Film’s biggest turkeys

Come to my house so I can eat.

November 28, 2019

Happy Thanksgiving! Today is a time for turkey (or whatever you eat as an equivalent), football (or whatever you watch), and spending time with your family (or whoever you argue with). With so much on a person’s plate, finding time to read an article can be a little difficult. Here’s hoping you left a little room for dessert as AIPT presents the biggest turkeys in movie history.

ThanksKilling (2008)

It is somewhat surprising this has not become a Thanksgiving or Halloween tradition. A low budget horror movie starring a maniacal bird named Turkie, the movie unashamedly follows every horror trope conceived. Violent, crass, and filled with cringe worthy moments, the movie still manages to be enjoyable. Make no mistake, this is a bad movie, but you would be doing yourself a disservice if you never watched it.

“Gobble, gobble” (2003)

There was no more powerful force in the universe than Bennifer for a few years. The pairing of Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck was a media sensation that all other couples will be measured against. The downside to these super couples is the inevitable explosion happens in front of the entire world. Gigli was the beginning of the end for the two. As awful as the movie was, it did provide the most unique invitation to cunnilingus ever.

Santa with Muscles (1996)

Thanksgiving is about more than stuffing your face and yelling at your relatives. It also begins the final stretch for Christmas. Along with lights and music, there are also lots of wonderful Christmas movies. This 1996 feature starring Hulk Hogan is not one of them. Basically, Hogan is a mean rich man named Blake Thorn who develops amnesia. This leads to him becoming nice and learning a Christmas lesson. It is holiday storytelling 101 that somehow manages to still fail. I ain’t feeling it, brother.

“I’m wired” (2002)

Maybe there are worse ways to go about intimacy than Gigli. The difference is 2002’s Shark Attack 3 has a humorous quality to it. Maybe it is the way the main character shake his hand to demonstrate his condition. Perhaps it is the odd cut right after the statement. Or it could simply be, the upfront proclamation is just so strange. Guaranteed to make you laugh out loud, but not for the squeamish.

Pauly Shore (1990s)

The 90s were a weird decade. There were some occasional cool changes – music and gaming did some great things – but for every step forward, there were about a thousand steps back. For every Wu-Tang Clan member there was two or three crows that enjoyed counting. Movies presented an ever starker example. All time classics like Clerks and Pulp Fiction were released during the decade. Then there was the unprecedented success of Pauly Shore. The Weasel was in Son-Law, Encino Man, and Bio-Dome in the early to mid 90s. They weren’t particularly successful, yet they kept coming out. Even stranger, he still is acting.