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AEW Dynamite recap: December 11, 2019

MJF attacks Cody’s lisp, number one contenders are crowned and Mox gets an interesting offer.

Ahoy hoy. I’m f*cking ready to watch some rasslin’ tonight and I feel like I might even switch over to NXT a time or two, depending on how behind I get on DVR. I managed to subject myself to large parts of Raw this week and, embarrassingly, mostly enjoyed the Lana and Rusev angle and then the KO/AOP situation, but beyond that I can’t really say I like the presentation of the show as much anymore. Plus, it feels like the B show now for sure. This is all to say that my honeymoon period with AEW is starting to wind down and while I will stick to my six month time frame to let them build story and characters and just build out the overall canon of the company, I am starting to run low on tolerance for bullsh*t such as stupid audio issues or even Cody’s masturbatory entrance, even when he is just in a suit and there to cut a promo. Ok, well, I think I have my proper cynic hat on, so lets get glass-eyed and dig into some wrestling on TNT on a Wednesday night in 2019!

Oh sh*t, this week Dynamite kicks off with Mox! I’m starting to know the theme songs! As much as I have a diminishing tolerance for bullsh*t with these guys, I must say, the guys and gals who I love on this show I f*cking LOVE. Moxley and Jericho for example are total wrestling gods to me right now. Apparently this will be a squash match as Mox’s opponent is already in the ring. So, Mox f*cking kicks the enhancement guy right in the gut, hits him with the Paradigm Shift and just like that it’s over. Man, Moxley has a total Austin vibe going with his sh*t talking. Out comes Jericho with the whole Inner Circle and Jericho is wearing the belt, this time with a golden suit jacket and no shirt. he looks f*cking awesome. The Inner Circle surround the ring as Jericho enters the ring with a mic in one hand and a shirt in the other? Is Chris gonna offer him a spot in the Circle? TNT is bleeping what ever the crowd is chanting. Jericho tells the crowd to watch their mouth and then launches into an almost Heenan level of putting Mox over, tells a story about them in that other company and makes references to specific spots from their Ambrose Asylum match that featured Mitch The Plant. He even mentions the term “Superstar.” This rules. Jericho f*cking rules. Jericho’s angle is how he has basically been a big brother to Jon for the past decade. Also notable that Jericho said “sh*t” and “assh*le” in the same promo! I love when he tells specific people in the audience to SHUT UP. Moxley’s face is priceless as Jericho officially asks him to join the Inner Circle. The crowd predictably chants NO NO NO. Jericho says he doesn’t want an answer tonight, tells Mox to talk to his lovely wife. Mox stands there like a Calvin Klein model as Jericho puts the shirt over his shoulder and then slowly dips out the ring. Mox does look like a dipsh*t, just standing there smirking and not saying anything.

First up we will have Butcher/Blade/Bunnny vs Cody and QT Marshall and, well, ok. I don’t understand why this is what is happening, but holy sh*t the crowd starts chanting “CODY CODY” and that is pretty cool. EVP Rhodes has full PPV level-entrance with a years supply of pyro and QT comes out in tow. MJF does a so-so inset promo while Cody and QT walk to the ring. Ok, so Blade and Cody start and I feel like this is a weird first match for this new collective if they are gonna be any sort of thing… The physical shape of the man who is called the Butcher is that of a classic sort of ’80s MAN wrestler. The commentary keeps talking about how the Bunny used to go by Allie just last month and now she is Bunny. Ok?

Commercial break with picture-in-picture and I’m not mad. Good wrestling, good team work by Cody and Cutie. As I wrote that, Cutie lost any sort of upper hand and BBB aka the Steampunk Barbers are basically just working a 2 on 1 squash match against this guy. I don’t know what Cody is really doing, but it’s not helping. After many minutes, Cody finally gets the hot tag and he beats the Blade up a bit. It’s not long before Cody is getting wailed on again and Cutie tags himself in and suddenly this real life Create-a-Wrestler pulls off a ton of moves that a dipsh*t of his stature shouldn’t do. It clearly doesn’t matter though, because they hit their move called “Full Depth” which is a suplex into a backstabber kind of thing. As Cody sits there moping because he lost, Darby Allin comes marching down the ramp, past Better Business Bureau and walks right over to Cody, offers him his hand to stand up and then walks away as JR reminds us that Cody has been saying that he doesn’t have any friends….good grief, it’s tough to feel bad for an Executive Vice President who is married to the most beautiful woman in all of pro wrestling (@ me), has a ton of money and he has legions of fans….no friends…yeah…

Footage from backstage as Proud n’ Powerful warm up and Sammy is with them and they look awesome and then they show the Bucks with Cutler and they look like jabronis.

Out comes MJF with Wardlow to a choir of boos. MJF calls out one of the AEW camera grips to come up in the ring and kiss his ring for laughing at MJF last week. Then he delivers a Cross-Rhodes. The crowd again gets bleeped and I miss some of MJF’s promo because they are chanting “you suck dick”? MJF is a top level assh*le. He knows exactly how to make the crowd do what he wants. He calls out Cody for his cat piss hair, Gary Busey teeth and sh*tty lisp. What a f*cking f*ckface. MJF screams at the crowd about how Cody wants a match and that he will give it to him. The crowd almost won’t let him finish this promo because they are chanting “ASSH*LE” so loud. MJF does say “bud” about 300 times during this whole segment. As AEW cut to commercial I switched quickly to NXT and the Forgotten Sons were coming out and I have only heard of them but not seen them so I don’t give a sh*t and switch back to watch commercials on TNT.

Oh sh*t a Dark Order package. This might be getting long in the tooth, this might be great. Yeah, this rules. This has such a Black Mirror vibe to it. That was great — short but building. Also, now they are involving other members of the roster which rules.

Out comes Big Swole with a nice highlight on the 0-2/0-4 overall record. The record part does make things interesting. Her opponent tonight is Emi Sakura. They just made reference to her being wrestler of the year 2009. I wouldn’t even bother to mention that. She dresses like Wolverine trying to dress like Freddie Mercury? As the match gets going I find myself wondering why I have seen so many Emi Sakura matches when there are so many other women on the roster. She was Riho’s trainer and I get that. My understanding is that Kenny is running the women’s division and he is trying to establish it in a specific way, but I am not impressed. This match does not seem like it’s ready for tv. Neither of these women are doing much to keep me focused on this, and I would definitely be peeking at the USA network if I didn’t already know that it was showing a group that I know nothing of. It is worth noting referee Rick Knox has kinesio tape on his neck from his Nyla Rose bomb through the table two weeks ago. This match is still happening and I don’t much care. JR and Tony take a few moments to plug their podcasts with Conrad. Sakura does her weekly spot that confuses me to no end where she breaks out the mic stand. JR is as annoyed about it as I am. This match stinks. I’m turning pretty sour now. They are just doing nothing for me. None of this show is doing anything for me right now. I’m peeking at NXT. F*cking commercial. it’s almost the top of the hour. well, Big Swole wins anticlimactically and Shida looks shocked ringside but I don’t care. Number 3 ranked woman is beaten by a woman who hasn’t won a match. Why would I care?

Pac backstage with a message for Kenny Omega. Holy sh*t he cuts a short and sweet promo demanding his rubber match with Kenny, saying that he won’t be held responsible for what he does if he doesn’t get it. He is so intense and I love everything about him.

Kip Sabian and Penelope Ford come out for his coming tag match. The lights go out and I forget that this is what happens with Shawn Spears. Cool. Tully cuts an inset promo and I feel like it’s the first time I’ve heard his voice in AEW. He wants top build a tag team. I find it funny to have read recently about how WWE cites Shawn Spears as an example of a talent that they cut who hasn’t made a difference in another company. They aren’t wrong. Ooh motherf*cker, I forgot that this is a bizarro world match because their opponents tonight are an apparently heel Kenny Omega, because he is tagging with the f*cking Tobacco Man himself, Adam “Bland Man” Page. Kenny gets a pretty basic entrance but a sh*tload of pyro. Man, Adam Page sucks. Kenny sucks for associating with this guy. Kip and Captain Pall Mall start off first and Page is noticeably more aggressive than usual tonight and I like it. I always seem to like Adam Page until I remember the fact that he grew up on a tobacco farm. And then he told people about it. What a sh*t heel.

For the second time JR claims “We’ll be back! We’re not going anywhere” as they lead to a PIP commercial break. What an idiot! I don’t see anything that makes me feel like Spears and Sabian need to be a team and, as far as the rest of this goes, Kenny is supposed to be a main event guy and he looks like an assh*ole being in this mid card match. I’m not trying to be negative about this match or show, and I like Kenny quite a bit, but I guess I just have/had different expectations or hopes for him. Penelope Ford hits a sick hurricanranna on the outside of the ring to Hangman and I’m into it. Kenny and Kip kick the f*ck out of each other a bit and I like it. The lights just dropped out. What the f*ck. They cut to the ramp and Tully in tied up on a chain with tape over his mouth and Joey Janela is standing behind Tully laughing like a f*cking sicko! Well, Spears runs away to try and save Tully and then the three of them disappear. Kenny hits a sick V Trigger and is about to beat Kip as Page tags himself in, hits his stupidly named but excellently executed Buckshot Lariat and pins Kip, like a real f*ckface sh*theel tobacco farmer. F*ck him.

Brandi with another great video package. She is growing the Nightmare Collective with bald headed women.

Jericho’s music hits and JR notes that he isn’t scheduled to come out as he and Big Hurt make their way to the commentary booth, boot Tony and Excalibur and he and Jake take over on commentary. He calls out Excalibur for claiming that Jericho didn’t know what lexicon meant which he then explains. I think the gimmick will be that Hager says nothing despite being on commentary and I love this. Jericho and JR on commentary is going to be top notch, I can tell. Sammy is up against Luchasaurus next and Jericho compares Sammy to Eddie Guerrero, Shawn Michaels and Jake Hager all rolled into one. No. Pic n pic as Sammy kills time by vlogging ringside. Every time they cut to his vlog feed the quality looks so sh*tty. That should ben able to be fixed by now.

Jericho is definitely out there for the continuity of his match against Jungle Boy as well as Hager and Luchasausrus inevitably coming to blows. JR says that Lucha is a big guy. Jericho agrees but says “but he is not a real dinosaur, no matter what he says.” As Sammy went up to the top rope for some high spot and Lucha straight up kicked him in the head outside the ring. JR refers to it as “we are going into the beloved picture in picture break…stay tuned” This match should be over…I like Sammy but he can’t beat Luchasausus. This guy us a f*cking dinosaur, no matter what Le Champion says! The refs really let basically anything go in these matches. Aubrey allowing vlogging mid-match? Jericho leads us back in from commercial like a true pro broadcaster. Hager has said nothing on commentary despite wearing a headset. I love it. Luchasaurus does an inverted powerbomb for the victory. Jericho and Hager bum-rush the ring and they beat on Lucha. Jungle Boy comes at Jericho and beats on him and hits him with a roll up which Marko counts for a very fair 1-2-3 and the crowd goes f*cking NUTS for a mock pinfall!

Main event tonight is a Texas Street Fight between the Matt and his uncle Nick Jackson against Proud n Powerful, aka Picture n Picture. NXT is…on a commercial too. I feel its worth mentioning that I have switched the channel three times tonight. Tonight is the most times I’ve looked at the other channel during Dynamite. While the commercial continues to run I may as well say that I anticipate this match as being pretty violent but also will be a standard match for both teams that PnP will kick the sh*t out of the Bucks who will then act injured within two minutes of the match. Let’s see how it goes.

Main Event for one fall to decide #1 contender for the AEW tag titles. I wold love for either for these teams to take the belts off of SCU. I’d just put all the gold on the Inner Circle. As the Bucks come out and start to do their muscle pose PnP comes out and f*cks em up! Brandon Cutler comes out to try and help and gets powerbombed through a table for his trouble. This starts off like sh*t. I over shot by saying two minutes. The Bucks are injured but also they just powered up and are superkicking everything! They hit Sammy with a super spike piledriver on the ramp and then Uncle Nick hits Ortiz with a flip through the table for a 2 count. Whoa, Excalibur just name dropped PWG. I like that these guys aren’t afraid to mention things outside of their show. PnP puts a trash can on Uncle Nick’s head and starts wailing him with a stick and the “ball in sock” and dent the sh*t out of it and then Matt comes out with a Dallas Cowboys helmet on and there is our “pander to the local crowd” moment. Then Ortiz gets the helmet off of him and spits on it. Nice.

Man, as they go to another picture-in-picture commercial break, Santana and Ortiz just dominate the Bucks. As Nick goes for a pin attempt Jake Hager comes down and pulls out referee Rick Knox and Matt goes to kick Hager but he moves and Matt kicks Knox’s f*cking head OFF. Bucks get a 5 count on Ortiz but there is no ref and Aubrey comes down to take over. There are a lot of table spots, lots of trash can spots but a TON of chair spots. This match is a car wreck. The Young Bucks win with a Meltzer Driver onto a steel chair for the #1 contendership and a match next week with SCU. This match was sick and totally worth seeking out and watching. This is one of the most fun tag matches I’ve seen lately. SCU, who were ringside drinking beers and whatever, come into the ring for a stare-down as the show ends.

As I switch over to NXT, I find Ciampa, Balor and Keith Lee battling it out. Apparently this is a #1 contender match to face Adam Cole. Man, I miss this show. Keith Lee is a real treat. Ciampa looks like a legitimate bad ass. Balor looks boring. By boring I mean f*cking shredded to the gills. Goddamn. This is awesome. Ciiampa hits the Air Raid Crash and holy f*ck I gotta turn this off! Man, I might watch NXT tomorrow. I’m trying to just do what I want regarding wrestling consumption and that may be leading me to watching NXT again. The finish of this match was Keith Lee powerbombing Tommaso and as he lands Balor, hits him with a Coup De Gras. F*ck. They just showed that Baszler vs. Ripley next week too. Huh. Competition.

Ok, well, another week down. I like this show. I’m glad it’s only 2 hours. I definitely really like the stuff that I like but I might be starting to wear thin on the stuff that really stinks. I don’t want to see Emi Sakura anymore. I DO want to see more of the Dark Order including maybe a match sooner than later. Jericho is great. This show is basically his show. When I think of it that way I find it much more tolerable. Maybe it’s that the world has so much going on, maybe I’m tired losing my ability to suspend disbelief, or maybe I just have impossibly high standards or more likely maybe Vince MacMahon has trained me in a Pavlovian way to expect the very worst out of wrestling and hence to watch it ALL with extreme cynicism. Well, AEW is still a very f*cking rewarding television show to watch and it is a great f*cking wrestling promotion. Keep up the work, ladies and gentlemen of All Elite Wrestling.

Wrestling Rules. F*ck The World. Party Hard.


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